Lots of things -- far more than we have room to discuss here. But right now, I've gotta respond to a major crisis from a reader. Next week, I'll return to my regular invective, and tell you what's hissing me off at the moment.

Dear Miss Hissy,

I need your help!  About three months ago, my family got a new puppy.  It is a Yorkshire Terrier, and his name is Little Al.  He just moved in with my family, and now he is getting most of the attention.  And the rest of the family have disowned me except for my new mommy, Jamie, the daughter of my previous parents that got the dog.  Now they are all treating him like a baby, and my mommy, Jamie, is trying to stand up for me the best she can.  And I am three times bigger than the dog, and he's fully grown, and whenever I attack him, I get yelled at terribly. But they encourage him to run after me and bite my tail.  And that really makes my mommy mad.  She's allowed to yell at the dog, and whenever he chases me, she really chews  him out.  But she can't be here all the time to protect me from those wretched humans and the little dog.  And he doesn't even know he's a dog.  He thinks he's a human because that is the way the other humans treat him.  I need some help, Miss Hissy.  What should I do?

Dear SPIT,

You poor thing.  Here are my top five suggestions for getting even with Little Al (and driving your humans crazy, too). Remember, don't get mad, get EVEN:

We have a touchy problem. Whenever we invite my father in law for dinner, he winds up passing gas mid meal, spoiling the event for everyone else. Can we simply not invite Pop to our next family event? Or should we just invite him for dessert?

Gasping in Groton

Dear Gasping,

Shame on you. Pop might be disgusting, but he is family. And to invite him for dessert only would be a major insult. However, there is a way to ensure that Pop gets his JUST desserts and that your other guests enjoy their meal. Try this. Just prior to mid-meal, announce that you have a simply wonderful new game that you'd like to try -- one that will enhance the dining experience for everyone. Then pass out nose plugs to all of your guests, and announce that for the rest of the meal, everyone should close his or her eyes and guess what's for dinner.  (This technique has proven successful with many high level diplomatic meetings involving felines too busy to engage in good dietary habits.)  Who knows - this game might turn out to be so much fun that your guests will insist you break out the nose plugs for every get together!

Mates,

Please use a #2 claw, and compute all responses to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.

Klericat

Yes or no: Did your humans get enough sleep last night?

For everyone who answered "no," -- and that should be 100 percent of you, if you're keeping up with your moral obligations -- please continue filling out this survey (if you answered "yes," please report to the Morning Hairball office in person - I'll deal with you later).

1. How many times did you actually bring your humans to full wakefulness last night?
2. How many times did you simply cause your humans to turn over?
3. Did you annoy all the humans in your household, or did you just focus in on one?
4. Did the human(s) you chose fully appreciate your nocturnal attentions?
5. How much physical contact was involved in the sleep interruption? Please describe the nature of these interruptions in detail.
6. In how many of those incidents did your humans become a) confused b) outraged and c) even sleepier?
7. How much of your interrupting maneuvers involved making noises?
8. What percentage of those noises were a) mournful b) threatening c) nauseating and d) downright gross?
9. Did your humans vocalize their rage or keep it to themselves? If vocalized, at how many decibels would you estimate the responses, and for how long (to the nearest nanosecond, please) did the responses continue?
10. Did you run fast enough to avoid getting whacked? If so, what was your minimum and maximum acceleration, as well as the mean, median, and mode of your escape speed?
11. Did you tear any comforters, sheets, or pillows while you were interrupting your humans' sleep, and if so, what was the average length of the rip, in millimeters?
12. Did your greatest reward for interrupting your humans' sleep involve a) food b) attention or c) just the joy of knowing that you're adept at the sport?
13. In total, how many minutes of REM sleep did you allow your humans to get last night?  Was it a) enough b) not enough c) you don't know or d) you don't care?
14. If you plan to repeat the exercise, will you do it a) nightly b) 3 times a week c) as often as you can get away with it?

A Question to Ponder: If no one scolds you for shredding the couch, have your really shredded the couch?

Talk back to Socratail: socratail@meowmail.com

A. Absolutely not. It's GREAT at the top, and you'll find opportunities galore to socialize with some of the top names in the business world. Also, as a CEO, you will make lots of money, and you can take all your friends out for flashy nights on the town. Most feline CEOs spend an average of 240 nights a year taking their friends on junkets through the finest alleys and dumpsters in their areas. Also, once you're promoted to CEO, you won't have anything to do except lock your door and sleep all day, so you'll be plenty rested for big nights and bright lights. So take the job if it comes, and catch some Zs - you'll need 'em for all the marvelous times that await you!