TOP NEWS STORY
New Litterbox Emission Standards
Washington, DC. New proposed Federal litterbox emission standards have raised the hackles, tail, fur and whiskers of major feline advocacy groups across the country. The new standard will reduce litterbox gases by 44 percent in the year 2001; 60 percent in 2002, and a whopping 82 percent in 2004. Owners of litterboxes whose users exceed Federal limits could be fined as much as $200 per day, depending on the number and types of cat in a household (jail sentences may be issued to litterbox-owners who also harbor hamsters, gerbils, and tropical fish).
According to a government source who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, these emission standards are long overdue. "We are just now beginning to understand that litterbox emissions, not sulfides from smokestack industries, are responsible for greenhouse gas buildup and the depletion of the ozone layer."
"Dog poop," says Chester, Chair cat of the Libertarian Litterbox Society, "This stinks of conspiracy and lobbying efforts by big business. We're being used as scapecats. Our own independent studies show that litterboxes actually contribute a fraction of the ozone eating gases that humans emit at work and at home." Moreover, Chester comments, "Even if you only ate half a mouse a day, no feline could possibly comply with the new standards."
Nonetheless, FatCat, lead business correspondent for "The Morning Hairball," comments that the new laws, if passed, could spawn great new opportunities for manufacturers of lactose-free cat food and self-venting litterbox units, and related low-gas/no gas items.
Stay tuned to the Hairball for more information on this very important topic.
(Where do you squat on this issue? Take Pole Cat's poll, and cast your vote today.)
DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com) to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified item number.
#7543. Clipper Kidder. Would you rather tangle with Judge Judy than get your claws clipped? Then you need Clipper Kidders, the modern way to avoid those dreaded blades. Clipper Kidders cover up your gorgeous, unclipped claws and fool humans into thinking you've just had a fresh manicure and pedicure. Just peel the backing of these little gems and you'll be clipper-free for the life of each claw. (Don't worry, most humans are too stupid to remember that your claws haven't been clipped for months.) Kitten sizes available; six-toed sets can be special ordered.
#5564 Bath Foiler. Tired of flea baths? Then fake 'em out with a full-body waterproof suit. Excellent for night prowling in areas with automatic sprinklers, too. Specify color, breed, size, weight, ear-height and shape, fur density, and tail length. Whiskers not included.
#9594 Make $$$$ While You Snooze! Nature sound company seeking authentic cat sleeping sounds. Snoring, purring, growling, squeaking, etc. Contact us directly or have your agent give us a jangle. We look forward to hearing from you!
|
|
Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
|
You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
Humans who coo at me like I'm an infant. Heck, in cat years, I'm old enough to be their great grandmother! "Do WE want dinner?" they ask me. No, in fact, I want dinner. "Did pumpkin doodle miss me?" No, stupid, you weren't needed for anything. "Where's my teeny little muffin kitty?" In hiding, you fool, and here I'll remain until you stop your condescending, incoherent babbling. If only humans could just meow like intelligent critters instead of spewing forth their babytalk. Alas . . . what cats have to put up with!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmail.com
|
Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
|
Dear Felinadonna,
I'm so embarrassed and distressed! The humidity this time of year dampens my kitten-fine whiskers and makes them lie flat. What can I do to poof them up again?
Flat Out in Florida
Dear Flat Out,
Don't despair! You'll NEVER suffer a bad whisker day again if you follow my quick poofing secret. Your whiskers can go from flat to fluffy in less than an hour if you wrap each whisker around a cotton swab, moisten each rolled-up whisker with water from your bowl, and then stick your muzzle by a heating vent or by an open window. Wait an hour, remove the swabs, and you're ready to strut your stuff for the neighbors. Now, that's a wrap!
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
|
Reboot
"Recommends"
|
Software Review
Boots Bacon Teaches Keyboarding
Six-Toe Software
Estimated Street Price: $29
Windowsill 95/98/2000
Have you always wanted to compose emails quickly and efficiently? Then let nothing hold you back. Boots Bacon can teach you keyboarding - in just five minutes a day!
Boots, a Kat Kollege-certified keyboarding instructor, will guide you or your kittens through the basics of paw positioning and claw typing. You'll hardly know you're learning as you enjoy graphic-rich arcade games -- such as Find the Martian, Down the Birdie, and Behead the Bug -- that build solid mouse-maneuvering and hunt-and-pounce skills. Each time you successfully complete a lesson, Boots rewards you with a virtual prize, like a sprig of catnip, a live goldfish, or a freshly-netted butterfly.
This all-new version boasts special lesson plans for six-clawed felines and kittens with especially short attention spans, and even contains a helpful section on furrgonomics to reduce the likelihood of RPPI's (repetitive paw pad injuries).
Now that you're wired, what's preventing YOU from sharing your creativity with cats around the globe? Boots Bacon Teaches Keyboarding may just have removed your last legitimate excuse for never returning emails. So put up your paws, and get to work!
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
|
Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
|
Operation: Closet Shelf Demolition
Mates,
This week's stealth attack was a stunning victory against excess consumption. I hereby submit my report from the trenches:
During a recent foray I discovered uncharted territory - a shelf that's been harboring contraband (my definition: any unbroken items belonging to humans). On the night of the covert operation, I first pretended to be asleep at my human's feet. Then, when I heard loud snoring, I slithered out the bottom of the covers, tiptoed onto the nightstand, and from there leaped onto the shelf. What outrages I found! A photo album, a hair dryer, a hand mirror, and two pairs of shoes - all in one piece. It would have been glorious to have sent the entire infernal heap over the edge. But that would have lacked couth - after all, I am an artiste! As you can imagine, I had some difficult choices to make. The mirror had excellent breakage potential. But the photo album had all those wonderful, loose pictures that could go flying every which way. Who could pass up one breakage opportunity for the other? So I indulged myself - and went for both of them.
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
|
Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
|
Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Survey
1. How many times a day do your preen yourself?
2. Each time you do preen yourself, how many hairs are involved?
3. How many loose hairs do you remove with each sweep of your tongue?
4. Of those, what percentage do you swallow?
5. Of those swallowed, how many does it take, on average, to form a hairball?
6. How long does it take for you to vomit that hairball?
7. How many hairballs does each preening produce?
8. How much time elapses, after passing a hairball, before you can preen yourself again?
Please email your answers promptly.
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
|
Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ"
|
Q. I know that MBWA -- Management By Wandering Around -- is passe in business circles. But recently, I've been hearing about a new technique called MBWAITSFAMTDS - Management by Wandering Around in a Total Stupor Following A Marathon Three Day Sleep. Is this a good strategy, and would it help me more effectively run my company of 60?
A. Yes to both. Management by wandering around was highly effective in its day. In fact, some of the greatest feline executives in history practiced it every morning. But MBWAITSFAMTDS is the product of 20 years of research and development at Harvard. It's cutting edge stuff. And it works. Execucats who engage in the practice look like they're zombies, but in fact are sharp as a new claw (as you no doubt have observed, there's nothing like a good three-day sleep to clear the cobwebs between your ears). Your employees are much more likely to let their guard down when they think the cat at the helm is distracted. In this way, you'll get the real poop on your own company - effortlessly. Pleasant dreams.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
|
Join the MeowMail Colony today!
MeowMail.com Home Page .
|
