TOP NEWS STORY
The Trouble with Quibbles
Washington, DC. The Morning Hairball staff has obtained proof of a government cover-up regarding the multi-billion International Space Station, and the nature of the next shuttle mission. The Atlantis shuttle will NOT carry a crew of human astronauts, but rather will ferry an ace team of feline commandos who will rid the station of hundreds of fierce rodents and make the station safe for human habitation.
The Hairball's elusive and exclusive source, Deep Whiskers, has provided copies of secret documents proving that months of statements regarding the delays in the space station project are false. According to the documents, the Russians did not run out of cash before completing their side of the unit, as the government had claimed. The station was, in fact, fully operational for two months, but had to be evacuated after an experiment in raising peanuts in zero gravity led to an infestation of super-rodents that can breed almost overnight. The U.S. and Russians are still arguing about whose turn it was to clean up the shells, and therefore, who should pay for "Operation Tailswipe," as the rescue mission has been dubbed.
The international team of feline commandos, chosen from some of the toughest back alleys around the globe, has been preparing for the mission at a top secret base located in the bowels of New York City's sewer system, which best simulates the current conditions of the space station. Training is particularly arduous and includes practice in zero-grav litterbox usage and weightless snoozing techniques.
Hairball columnist Sir Smashalot, on special assignment for the story, caught up with lead commando, Sylvester Balboa (at the time, Balboa was in the midst of demonstrating a simultaneous four-paw karate maneuver proven effective against rodents from space). Said Sly, We'll bop 'em on their heads; we'll hiss 'em in the face; and we'll kick their slimy tails into outer space. Eyahhhhhhhhhhhh!" When asked about the progress of the training, Sly proudly responded that "...we're turnin' a rag-tag gaggle of fur balls into a lean and mean rat-bustin' machine."
Several Hollywood directors are thinking of creating a human movie version of the mission, in which Bruce Willis will play the lead cat. Willis' daughter will beg him not to go, and he will carry her rabies tag into space with him.
The President and First Lady will be at the launch site to pat each cat on the head prior to blast off. Those brave felines that return will receive a packet of White House-embossed treats at a special Rose Garden ceremony.
A Senate committee is investigating the cover-up and plans to issue a 2,500 page report within the next 48 months.
DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com) to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified item number.
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6544 Master KatManchew for hire. There's no reason to have litter kicked in your face anymore from the Big Guy in your house. Master KatManchew will teach you and your kittens the art of self offense and judicious aggression. Learn when and how to unsheath your claws. Learn when to run away. Learn how to psych out your opponents by bending your ears back. Discover the secret power of nose drippings and drool. Convince your opponent there's an earthquake in progress by thumping your tail on the floor. Trick your opponent into thinking you're a foot taller than you actually are by arching your back. Finally, give your human valets a good reason to get dinner for you. Now!
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
TV commercials that portray cats as dumb as dogs. The so-called "cats" eagerly will eat anything pushed in front of them. They'll gladly play with humans who walk into the room. They'll even be enjoy the company of children! Why, I wouldn't be surprised to find these actors are actually dogs dressed in cat costumes. Certainly, no self respecting cats would take these roles. No job pays that much! Just wait until I wheedle MY way into a commercial audition - I'll show 'em how a REAL cat behaves. Ha!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmail.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
What's the upper age limit for playing fun kitten games, like String and Flashlight Beam?
Playing for Keeps
Dear Playing for Keeps:
Games are great at any age, as long as you're taut and toned. However, as you know, many of these frivolous antics expose your tummy and require you to twist yourself into all sorts of undignified positions, so be careful once you've reached the "age of flab." If you want to indulge in String, Flashlight Beam, and similar games, be sure to maintain your physique by using my tummy tucker technique. Lie down on your back, then touch your lower paws with your chin. Hold for a count of three, then repeat. Exhale on the downward paw motion. Practice this exercise each time you wake up from a nap, and in no time, you'll look fit as a kitten and feel spry as a frog!
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
The Virtual Human
WonderWhisker Productions
WindowSill 98/2000
3 1 / 2 claws
Ever wonder what life would be life if you had two walk upright on just two legs? Had to maneuver without a tail or whiskers? Stalk a mouse with lousy night vision?
Then give the Virtual Human a spin. This comprehensive compendium is divided into five sections: Anatomy and Physiology, Evolution, Psychology and Behavior, Humans in History, and Strange Facts and Myths.
Anatomy and Physiology makes it easy to understand human limitations when it comes to pouncing, using litterboxes, and the inability to purr, as well as the propensity to collect navel lint and their need for electric nose hair trimmers. (Don't worry: if you have kittens in the house, you can exercise the fig leaf option.)
The section on Evolution is particularly fascinating; multimedia displays show how humans originally developed from algae and made minimal progress on the intelligence scale, whereas felines arrived as higher forms of life right from the get-go.
The other sections are chocked full of great facts, figures, and tidbits, too. The section on Humans in History is somewhat disappointing, though; it's all downhill beyond the invention of the wheel. Finally, in Strange Facts, you'll find such hilarious myths as humans domesticating the cat, rather than the other way around, and that it was humans, not felines, who invented the mousetrap.
While the information is good, the simulations games are GREAT -- next best thing to being a human yourself (not that any felines in their right mind would want to). In each game, you "drive," controlling a virtual human's arms legs and body movements. Bird Catch is particularly fun, especially when the prey is on a skimpy tree limb. Mouser and Martian capture are fun, too. But the best is Big Dog, where you have to escape an especially ugly and mean-spirited pit bull in a small yard with a high fence and just one nearly limbless tree. Good luck!
Whether you're mildly curious (it's OK; curiosity never hurt anyone) or have burning questions about why your human valet gets up so many times at night to go the bathroom, The Virtual Human CD tells it all.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation Hide 'Em
Mates,
Of all the silly things, the humans in my house decided to buy ... a ping pong table. Complete with six ping pong balls. No, make that one - the others are now residing in a safe and cozy place. Of my choosing. Here's how I captured the goodies:
At approximately 2:00 AM, I tiptoed down the basement steps. I scanned the room using my night vision and spotted three of the six objects of my desire lying on the floor. One by one, the three ping pong balls were incorporated into my quiet game of polo, for which I used my forepaws as a mallets. I skillfully guided two of the balls under the metal shelving beside the furnace. Then I was left to decide: how could I creatively dispose of the third ball? My eyes happened on the sump pump drain hole, and you know the rest of the story: a hole in one!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
HOLIDAYS:
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
1. Do your humans engage in travel during three-day holidays?
2. How many miles do your humans travel, each way?
3. How many times do you meow for any invitation to tag along?
4. How many times do your humans ignore you?
5. How long do you spend planning your revenge (in hours, minutes, and seconds)?
6. How many items do you typically break, once the humans leave their home to you?
7. What percentage of those items can be repaired?
8. What percentage of those items are trashed to the point where you decide to bury them in your litterbox?
9. How many food nuggets do you kick out of your bowl during the average "vacation?"
10. How much time, in months, elapses before your homecoming (and horrifed) humans even THINK about going away on another vacation without you?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ"
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Q: Is it a good a idea for felines to engage in day trading?
A: Absolutely NOT. If anything we should be doing NIGHT trading; after all, we ARE nocturnal creatures. Besides, day trading is very risky business, and requires that the trader stay awake for intervals in excess of 10 minutes. Which disqualifies most felines. One good catnap, and you can you lose your fur. And then some. So leave the day trading to dogs, parakeets, turtles, humans and other species that don't have the good sense to put their beauty sleep ahead of the almighty dollar.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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