TOP NEWS STORY
Million Paw March Rocks Capitol
Washington, D.C. The historic Million Paw March, held on March 14 in the nation's capitol, brought together 250,000 e-cats who staunchly oppose pending legislation that would require feline entrepreneurs to charge tax on their Web site transactions.
Wagalot J. Longtail, president of E-Cats for Free Internet Commerce (ECFIC), explained why felines are so opposed to Internet taxation: "Cats are just now getting involved in e-commerce, and the administrative burden caused by taxation would set our cause back by decades." He also hinted that the proposed legislation was a plot by lobbyists from the national feline accounting associations to drum up new business. "The irony is that there'd be no gain for these mercenary cats anyway," Wagalot asserted. "Even with the latest Cray supercomputer, no accountant of any species would be able to crunch the mountains of numbers these laws would engender."
According to Wagalot, the rally was a stunning success on many levels because it raised awareness of the issue throughout the animal kingdom. He's particularly gratified by the unlikely appearance of a large flock of Net-savvy birds. "We guaranteed that no avian entrepreneur who supported our cause would be eaten for at least one hour before and after the march, and I'm pleased to report that - except for a brief isolated incident that occurred at noon - we kept our word."
Wagalot also noted that no dogs participated in the march: "Most canine entrepreneurs are so stupid they couldn't count their tail twice and get the same answer, let alone compute taxes across multiple states and municipalities. Besides, anything that humans advocate MUST be okay, as far as dogs are concerned." Wagalot pointed out that dogs would have foiled the march anyway, since there were "just too darn many fire hydrants on the route."
Representatives of the Bush and Gore campaigns declined to comment on the March until the conclusion of senate hearings on the feline e-tax issue.
DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
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# 8323 Automatic Tipper. Do you worry about tipping appropriately? If so, let the Automatic Tipper do the work for you. Simply clip the pager-sized device onto the wastebasket of your choice. Then select the angle option that best suits your tipping goals: 180 degrees (the wastebasket turns upside down), 90 degrees (jettisons at least half the waste), or 45 degrees (for those who want to stat with a slow dribble). Wait 60 seconds, so that the Automatic Tipper can adjust for the receptacle's height, width, and weight of the contents. Set the timer to execute when you can scamper to a safe viewing spot where you can watch the action without being implicated. When the green light is visible, click the "go" button. The wastebasket will tip at your chosen time with an accuracy margin of plus or minus 2 degrees. Reusable, and works equally well on carpet or hardwood floors.
#6343 Whisker Club for Cats. Let's face it. Cats without a full muzzle of whiskers are pathetic. You've tried drugs, transplants, extensions, and even your human's prescription drugs to restore your whiskers. Nothing worked until now. The Whisker Club for Cats promises to restore your lost glory quickly, confidentially, and (nearly) painlessly. So what are you waiting for? Join the Club, and find out what plentiful whiskers can do for you.
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
Humans who eat their breakfast before they even think about feeding their cats. Granted, people can't be expected to act civilized at all times. But the audacity of these creatures! We wake them up purposely so they can tend to our needs. And what do we get for our trouble? These ingrates drop disgusting flakes and puffs into otherwise palatable bowls of milk - bowls of milk that, by the way, rightfully belong to us! Next time my humans want a wake-up call from me, they'll find out what happens when they treat me like dirt. Do you suppose these people will notice when they're three hours late for work? Ha!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmail.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
I have the dubious pleasure of sharing my abode with a fellow feline who cares nothing for his appearance nor what others may think of him. Wally is bordering on obese; why, he barely has the energy to properly groom himself. This is probably why his nicknames are Fatboy and Walldebeast! Thus, I must sacrifice precious napping time to tidy his long, dense fur. On top of that, the ingrate has the audacity to complain when I trim his eyebrow whiskers.
Miss Tabitha
Dear Miss Tabitha:
It sounds as though you're in a codependent relationship, my unfortunate feline reader. Consider: Why doesn't Wally respect your sensibilities enough to keep himself neat and trim? I suspect it's because he knows he can get away with it. He always has; why should he change now? The only way to break the cycle is to leave Wally now, while you can. Pack your bags, do not pass Go, and get yourself out of the situation you're in before you're scarred for life. With all the sleek, attractive, and chivalrous felines available for the plucking, I'm confident you can do better than Wally - and you owe it to yourself to try.
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
MathKats Deluxe (Level 1: Beginners)
Nose-It-All Software
Estimated Street Price: $49
Windowsill 95/98/2000
Ages 3 months and Up
3 1/2 claws
Every kitten instinctively knows how to count things: minutes until mealtime, number of human valets in the house, days until the next litterbox changing, number of ghosts and Martians in the house, and the like. But MathKats is the first software program designed to actually teach felines all the numbers they must learn to express themselves succinctly.
Ms. Nose-It-All, the virtual math teacher, guides kittens (and cats who may have bypassed counting lessons in their misspent youth) via colorful screens featuring some of the most popular images in the cat world. Students begin their lessons by counting stationary objects, such as slices of cheese and can openers, and progress by stages to scurrying mice, flying birds, and other fast-moving snacks as they learn their numbers. (Note: Young humans who hog the household computer won't do so with MathKats; the product features a soundtrack of mewling, hissing, and spitting guaranteed to deter even the most intrepid toddler.)
Once users pass MathKat's final test - by correctly positioning numbers 1 to 12 on an Audubon Society Bird Clock - they're rewarded with a certificate of merit they can personalize, print out, and then frame. Unfortunately, each MathKat package only allows you to create one certificate; if you have a litterful, you'll either have to buy an additional copy for each (in my tests, I found it annoyingly difficult to pirate the CD) or forgo the distinction of possessing proof of each kitten's number knowledge.
But, even with that drawback, I still think that you'll get your money's worth from MathKats Deluxe. Count on it.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Fix It
Mates,
Darn it! I broke something I wished to leave intact. In my defense, I was carried away by the joy of destroying my young human's electronic breakables. However, when I smashed her porcelain doll - a keepsake from her grandmother, as it turns out - I went too far.
By that, I mean that I was nearly discovered. My little human - the shallow thing -- burst into sobs when she discovered her broken heirloom. Happily, when the adult humans went to squelch her whining, they didn't notice the cause of her distress. So I had a reprieve, but I knew that I had to repair the damage - and quickly.
Luckily, I remembered an old family recipe for glue, and I immediately went to work mixing finely-chewed houseplant leaves with litter. Here's where a dog accomplice would have come in handy; I just LOATHE the taste of litter. Nonetheless, I was able to patch together the pieces of the doll in short order. Everything will be fine if the glue holds, but I won't know for sure until my saliva fully dries. Stay tuned for further developments....
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Survey about edible objects in the house
1. Make a list of everything you'd chew in the course of a day.
2. Now, count the calories.
3. Of those calories, how many are empty ones (read: will be barfed up in the next 15 minutes)?
4. How many calories will complete the digestion process?
5. Once the digestion process is complete, how many calories nonetheless will be excreted?
6. How many calories will remain?
7. How many items in the house will you learn never to eat again?
8. How long will you remember to stay away from string, houseplants, and the like?
9. Of all the edible objects in your house, which provide the most nutrients?
10. If your answer to question #9 was cat food, then explain in a short paragraph why you don't just stick to that to satisfy all your dietary needs.
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ"
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Q. I have amassed quite a collection of milk jug caps and twistems that my humans have unwittingly left around the house. Is this a good time to try and sell them on eBay? If so, should I invest the proceeds in the stock market? Or am I better of hiding my money under the sofa cushions until better investment opportunities come along?
A. Yes. And no. Yes, this is a GREAT time to cash out - the market for milk jug caps and twistems is at an all time high (several major online auction sites actually had to shut down last week because of the flood of buyers and sellers in the cap and twistem category). But I wouldn't invest your hard-earned proceeds in the stock market; with the Feds ready to raise interest rates again, even the Buffalo Chip stocks might take a tumble. Staying liquid is not a bad idea until the market shakes out. Don't stash your loot under the sofa cushions, though -- put those claws to work and hide it INSIDE the cushions. Remember, you put a lot of time into hording your treasures, and even with nine lives, time is all you've got.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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