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TOP NEWS STORY
Ho! Ho! Ho! New
Proof of Feline Superiority
"We have ABSOLUTE proof now
--cats DID evolve as the superior species," howls Professor Alfluffo
Fleecebottom, a world-renowned researcher in the fields of Feline
Paleobiology and PreCambrian Psycho Forestry. "Up until now, the
superiority of cats was just something that every feline took for
granted, like gravity. Now the scientific evidence is in! We ARE the
greatest. Meow! Meowww!! Meeeowwwwwwwwwww!!!"
The scientific evidence that's got Professor
Allfluffo Fleecebottom hopping like his tail is on fire concerns a
set of drawings etched into the walls of a cave at the base of the
LaBrea Litterpits. The drawings, which Professor
Alfluffo Fleecebottom's team has carbon-dated to 195,000 BC, clearly
depict an astounding scene that took place in a typical suburban
cave.
In the middle of the cave we see renderings of a
feline family decked out in loin cloths. Two members are playing
Jurassic chess using small, petrified rodents as pieces. Another
feline sits in a chaise lounge constructed from a large rib cage,
reading a tablet entitled, "The Mammoth Next Door. And the fourth
cat is busy fine tuning an electron microscope made out of
triceratops horns. Not surprisingly, his loin cloth sports the Larva
University emblem on
it.
In a corner of the room, two proto-humanoids sit
drooling in front of a television carved out of a boulder.
Professor Allfluffo Fleecebottom has determined that the humanoids
are watching a show quite popular among Neanderthals "Who
Wants to be a Mastodon?" (Earlier evidence had suggested that "Leave
it to Lemur" was the favorite shows of the time, but the LeBrea
Litterpits dispels that notion as well.) The proto-humanoids are
apparently not housebroken at the time, based on the shredded tree
bark strewn all over the floor and the large rolled up leather
newspaper, which was probably used for discipline. One of the
proto-humanoids is wearing a potted plant on its head, suggesting
that homo sapiens may, in fact, have evolved from vegetation. "The
proto-humanoids might have thought they were communing with distant
ancestors," Professor Allfluffo Fleecebottom speculates.
Finally, in another corner of the cave we see a
dog wearing an apron fashioned from giant dragon fly wings.
The dog is domesticated, as it appears to be making a pepperoni
pizza from a giant toadstool and buffalo chips. "The apron is
probably a uniform," asserts Professor Allfluffo Fleecebottom.
"Lower forms of life in that period typically did not know how to
dress themselves. The apron might also have been in lieu of
payment."
Professor Allfluffo Fleecebottom says he could go
on for days explaining the significance of the LaBrea Litterpit find,
but that he had to run - he didn't want to miss a special edition
of The Furry Springer Show dedicated to felines who's mates dress
and behave like& cavecats.
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@meowmail.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#4534 Kitty's Holiday Helper. Ah the holidays, so much to do - trees
to truncate, ornaments to obliterate, and food to filch. How will
you ever get it all done before your human valets toss the tree,
pack up the glittery targets of your affection, and dump all the
remaining vittles that could be in YOUR belly? The fact is, even the
best of us can't get it all done and carry out a normal nap and
eating schedule. That's why you need RoboCat II at your side.
RoboCat II glides silently along on space-age polycarbon wheels and
is programmed to seek out and destroy tinsel, dangling ornaments,
and mantle-based decorations. RoboCat II will also sniff out food
droppings and vacuum them into a safe receptacle within its belly,
so you can munch in leisure while your humans are asleep or watching
television. The unit can conduct approximately 10 average-length
missions on a single charge (ask about extra batteries or the
solar-powered module when you place your order.) RoboCat II is
available in 35 different models covering all major breeds. Note:
the following might seem obvious, but in case you've been dipping
into too much holiday catnip lately, the RoboCat Corporation
recommends that you do NOT select a model that resembles you. The
retribution you'll exact will far outweigh the momentary pleasure
you'll enjoy from commanding your own clone.
Recall Notice!!! Attention RoboCat I owners! If you purchased
last years model, RoboCat I, with serial numbers
83048B24566666060993873284333 BLJSTLEW3344 through
9583403384845859050650 98453HEEHEE9998394, contact RoboCat
Corporation immediately! These models had a programming error that
accidentally activated the dangling ornament/seek and destroy mode
while maneuvering under large dogs. If you own one of the recalled
models, RoboCat Corp will send you a brand new RoboCat II along with
an nice apology card to your household's canine.
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December Feline
Horoscopes!
Are you a
Brisket? Hambonus? Tunicorn?
Click Here to Find Out
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
Click here
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
When I'm sitting on a window ledge behind a
shade or curtain with my tail hanging out and a human just CAN'T
resist giving it a yank. Not to hurt me, of course, but just a
gentle little tug (usually accompanied by a stupid sound like "beep"
or a phrase like "room service please"). Why do they do it? because
it's THERE, like that stupid old saw about having to climb Mt.
Everest because it's THERE. Well, I have a few things I'd like to
claw just because they're THERE. The two-legged critters
around here just better hope that I don't stoop to their level or
they might wish they were living atop Mt. Everest -- it would be far
safer and friendlier.
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmail.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
I
am so
depressed I don't know what to do. I recently went to
the opera with my (ex) beau and when I took off my hat, the
coat check cat burst out laughing and said that I had vacuum
cleaner lines on my head. Pretty soon everycat nearby came by to
look and giggle. My (ex) beau mumbled something and beat a path for
the litterbox room, leaving me to fend for myself. Felinadonna, I
have tried EVERYTHING to get rid of my vacuum cleaner lines and they
keep coming back -- what should I do?
Extremely Embarrassed in Erie
Dear Extremely Embarrassed,
Oh, you poor misguided creature. Did you know
that in ancient Mesopotamia, cranial vacuum cleaner lines were, in
fact, considered a mark of nobility and sound upbringing? Cats with
vacuum cleaner lines were typically given the finest rodents and
were consulted on important matters of state by the mightiest human
kings and queens. Those without vacuum lines - the majority - were
relegated to public work projects such as cleaning barfitoriums or
building urban climbing structures. So next time you're teased by
ignorant fools, simply throw up and demand that they begin
cleaning.
Felinadonna
P.S. As for your (ex) beau, the next time you see him I suggest
that you explain the historical significance of cranial vacuum
cleaner lines and then give him a set of his own - with your
claws!
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Ba Humbug!
Release 4.0
VerySmart
Software
Windows Special Plutonium
Edition
Rating: 5 claws
So you think you know everything there is to
know about neutering a Christmas tree, eh? Bat down a few ornaments, slurp the tree water, maybe
puke on the skirt - all the old standbys.
Well, let me tell you furmates, doing a
thorough job of destroying a Christmas tree requires a lot of hard
work and the application of professional technique. Which is why you
need the latest release of Ba Humbug! (If you're too busy or
sleepy this season to do your own tree deconstruction, check out
RoboCat II in the classified section of this issue of the Hairball;
your won't get the same satisfaction as doing it yourself, but you
can at least end this holiday season with a bang.)
This new edition of Ba Humbug! not only
improves on prior releases by adding breathtaking multimedia content
and "how-to" advice for retrieving ornaments from tight spots, but
it covers techniques for dealing with those pesky vinyl and aluminum
trees, which present durability challenges that would have made the
hairs on the tails of ancestors stand up and do the Macarena.
Ba Humbug! will help you turn ANY tree into the Nightmare on 34th
Street - it's simply the finest Christmas tree demolition program
ever to be pressed onto plastic.
I was especially impressed with the new
and very slick Timber Wizard. You just enter the approximate height
of the tree, the girth at the widest point, approximate width,
density, average hourly sap output, the total amount of time you'll
be alone with the tree during the next 30 days, your human's typical
daily work and holiday schedule, your experience with Christmas tree
destruction, the type of attack (stealth, open defiance, "huh, WHAT
tree?" etc), and the extent of damage you'd like to inflict, ranging
from minor vandalism to TKO (total knock-over). When you've entered
your selection, just click the "Let 'Er Rip" button and Ba Humbug
will display a printable step-by-step assault complete with
projected time, the likely impact, and the optimal hours for doing
your dirty work.
The narrated animations and film clips
are also terrific, and feature some of the most distinguished
Christmas tree demolition cats of our time. You'll meet Chester the
serial candy cane destriper of Decatur, Wildbelly Willie, the
infamous debrancher of Indianapolis, and Leesa Filament Buster, who
set an Olympic record by ruining a 100 blinking light bulbs in 29.43
seconds.
Finally, you'll appreaciate the fact that Ba Humbug doesn't
shy away from the tough questions, like dealing with the frustration
of animal repellent. I won't spoil the CD experience by revealing
any surprising tips and techniques. But I will tell you this. Ba
Humbug! will definitely let the tree, not you, down.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Wish Upon a Star
Mates,
I am
swooning. I am panting. I am in love -- with the wonderful,
exquisite star that sits atop
my human' valet's Christmas tree, well out of my reach. My
human valets watch me stare enraptured at the tree and preemptively scold me
about having any "bad thoughts." Dad human valet even
told me that if I came within six feet of the star I'd
be the first cat to visit the real stars -
without a space ship.
At first I was insulted. But
then I saw the kernel of genius in Dad's threat and formulated
one of the most brilliant technology coups of my career. That night
as everyone slept soundly and, save myself, not a creature
stirred, including the house mouse which I finally caught and ate, I
crept down the basement and retrieved the inner tube from junior's
bicycle (by the time spring rolls around the human valets will have
completely forgotten about my caper). I stretched the tube across
two chair backs on opposite sides of the dining room table, then
steadily backed by tush into the middle of the rubber ring. I pushed
and pushed until my hind claws were firmly embedded in the table top
(hey, what's another transgression at this point - I was going for
broke). I sucked in my gut, counted to three, then released my
claws, at which point I was catapulted at Mach 3 across the room.
Yes, I was flying! It was spectacular! Move over Neil Armstrong -
I'd just made one great leap for felinekind!
Alas, though, just as I
calculated that the star would be within paw's reach I realized that
I'd made a slight mistake: my homemade slingshot was pointing in the
wrong direction and the tree was fading in BACK of me. I also hadn't
correctly calculated how quickly the northern living room wall would
intersect my trajectory. I tell you mates, if I hadn't had the
good insight to rummage through the trash and strap a hollowed out
navel orange onto my head before launch I would NOT be writing this
column today.
Okay, I didn't get the star.
But I did get one heck of great ride. And I learned an important
lesson - DON'T try to distill wisdom from your human valet's threats
- there isn't any. Next year, mates!!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmash@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Holiday
Grub
1. How much unnecessary food will your
humans consume this holiday season?
2. How much should they
have given to you?
3. What percentage could you have stolen
if they would have left you alone in an unattended kitchen for 20
minutes?
4. If the situation were reversed, would you have
shared your holiday spoils with your humans? If so, how much, to the
nearest ounce?
5. Do you plan to snicker behind your breath
at the end of the holidays when your human's can't get into their
pants? Do you plan to leave subtle signs around the house like
clawed wall inscriptions saying things like, "Serve's you right,
lard belly."
6. How long do you plan to express righteous
indignation for not getting your fair share of the holiday
grub?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Socratail's
"Mewslings"
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A question to ponder:
Part I: Does any cat really know what time it is? Part II: Does any
cat really care?
Talk back to Socratail: socratail@meowmail.com
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. I haven't been an especially good kitty
this year. In fact, I've been pretty bad. I growl at my new little
brother whenever he goes near my toys and if he doesn't eat fast
enough I try to push him away from his bowl. (I'm a lot bigger.)
Once when he was sleeping I tied his back paws together and screamed
out "open tuna can on the counter." I've done other things as well,
but I'm too embarrassed to write about them. So here's my question -
despite my behavior, I'd still like to get some good Christmas
presents this year. Does SantaClaws accept bribes?
A. Absolutely. But this is a delicate
situation, one that I've had a great deal of experience negotiating
for cats so bad I can't even print what they've done (some of the
escapades aren't covered by statutes of limitations in the U.S.). If
you like, I can help you too. Send me all your human valet's money,
their check books, credit cards, and any food you can scarf from the
dinner table. I'll see that they could get into SantaClaws paws
immediately. Count on it.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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