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TOP NEWS STORY
ARE MARTIANS REAL?
Cambridge, Massachusetts. "Are Martians
real? What a stupid question. Of COURSE they're real," hisses Dr.
Preener A. Squashamoth, Clamchop Professor of Abnormal Psychology at Larva
University. "My new study documenting thousands of feline Martian sightings
proves conclusively that Martians DO exist. Besides, I actually saw one
myself."
Dr. Squashamoth goes on to say that the details
of feline Martian sightings across time and space are simply too
similar to be coincidental. "Either cats are genetically programmed
to be pathological liars or something fishy is going on here," he
says while wiping a puddle of drool off his mouth with his right
front paw. "I don't believe the former. For example, I haven't
lied since this morning, when I intimated to my human valets that I
hadn't been fed for days, when in fact I was really fed just an hour
earlier. Pathological lying would entail claiming every 15 minutes
that I hadn't been fed for days, weeks, or months. See the
difference? Anyway, that eliminates the lying possibility, so we
must turn to the other explanation, which is that cats have been
having close encounters with Martians."
According to Dr. Squashamoth, feline Martian
sightings invariably contain the following similarities:
1. The sightings typically occur in the
middle of the night and can wake a cat from a sound
sleep.
2. When a Martian is detected, the cat crouches low
to the ground and begins twitching his or her tail. "We call this
the 'Low-to-the Ground, Tail Twitching (LTTGTT) Reflex'," explains
Dr. Squashamoth. "If two Martians have been detected, the tail
twitching will be twice as fast. In technical terms, we call this
the 'Rapid LTTGTT Reflex.'"
3. When a Martian is first seen,
it takes the form of an open can of tuna fish. Hence the cat sprints
directly towards it. But once the cat is within inches of its
tempting target, the Martian changes into a vet holding a rectal
thermometer, and the cat runs away very fast. "In scientific terms,
we call this the 'Run Up/Run Away (RURA) Reflex.' The longer the
thermometer, the faster the "RA" interlude," Dr. Squashamoth
notes.
4. Once the cat musters up enough guts to take on the
job, he or she exhibits a "thermometer-be-damned" resolve and
charges the alien. But the alien then transports back to its ship,
leaving the brave feline empty-pawed. "The technical term for this,"
says Dr. Squashamoth, "is 'Alien Beam Back,' or ABB. Most cats
are quite disappointed when ABB occurs - they really are psyched to
do battle, and protect the planet and all its inferior species, even
if it means sacrificing a couple of their own lives. Gosh, I'm proud
to be a cat!"
We, at The Morning Hairball, feel much
better knowing that Dr. Squashamoth is on the case, and that we
aren't crazy when we discuss our respective Martian encounters. Oh,
well, time for a break. We haven't been fed since we began
researching this story days ago. Honest!
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ORIGINAL LITTERTURE FROM MEOWMAIL COLONISTS
by
Tinkerbell
princesstinkerbell@meowmail.com
All cats,
Some cats are big and some are small,
Some are short and some are tall,
Some have spots and some
have stripes,
Some may have fleas or ear mites,
But all
together, we are the same,
We all have a differant name,
We
are all cats, and we have friends,
I hope our friendship never
ends,
All of us are beautiful in our own way,
We will always
be friends no matter what we say!
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#6048. Big is Beautiful. Are you
tired of going to the beach to look for smelly fish and crab
remains, only to have a competing, more muscular tabby kick sand in
your face? Now you can fight back without flexing a muscle. Before
you leave home, just slip into our JumboCat suit, set the inflation
factor, and pull the ripcord. You can instantly be twice, three
times, or even four times your current size. And the best part is,
despite your new stature, you won't weigh an ounce more so you can
move at full speed and with total agility. The
puncture-resistant JumboCat suit is made of a patented fabric that
looks and feels like genuine skin and fur - your own kittens won't
be able to tell you're wearing synthetic garb. When ordering, please
specifiy your height, weight, breed, and tail length. Extra
compressed air inflation cartridges are available in packs of three
or six. (Not legal for sale in Nevada. Also, you must state whether
you intend to use the JumboCat suit for criminal activity, such as
bank robbery or aquarium poaching - if so, we will not sell you one
and will promptly report you to the authorities.)
##6456. Nighttime Yucks With a Yack. It's so
much fun annoying humans while they sleep by gently swishing your
tail across their faces. But you also know the disappointment that
inevitably results from hearing the click of the bedroom door after
you've been booted out of the room. Now you can annoy your human at
nighttime with impunity by installing a WhoMe? kit over your human
valet's bed! The secret is a fine Yak hair nose tickler that you
dangle from the ceiling. The installation kit includes a cutout
paper human that you first place in the bed for positioning, and an
unobtrusive, transparent plastic pulley assembly that affixes to the
ceiling with double-stick tape or plaster screws (supplied - also
great fun to play with in and of themselves). Thread the string
though the pulley, and you're all set for great entertainment. Lower
and raise the nose tickler from ANY position -foot of the bed, on
top of Mt. Human Belly, or wherever - and let the festivities begin!
Tickle as frequently as you like - only YOU know your human's
disposition when deprived of sleep, and where to draw the
line. Purchase a WhoMe? kit today, and start driving 'em nuts
tomorrow!
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New Restaurant Review (sort of)!
Imagine this....
Maison
Mousee
 -->
November Feline
Horoscopes!
Are you a
Brisket? Hambonus? Tunicorn?
Click Here to Find Out
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
When I stick my head under a blanket to hide,
and humans somehow manage to see the REST of me. Those fools. Don't
they know that if I can't see THEM, they can't see ME?
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
I am a diminutive -- OK, miniature -- oh alright, subminiature --
Abyssinian female weighing in at 5 pounds (after a large meal and
soaking wet). Other cats who walk by the windows (I'm not allowed
out, for fear that I'd be swallowed by a grasshopper), laugh at my
size. I'm smart and cute, and have made many contributions to
felinekind. But other creatures make me feel so small. What can I do
to command the respect I know I deserve?
BooHoo in Brattleboro
Dear BooHoo,
Why, you sound as cute as a mouse! (Just kidding.) Child, stature
is a state of mind. It's what you feel INSIDE that counts, not what
the outside world sees. Never let those small-minded, big-boned
dopes make you feel less than the stellar feline that you obviously
are. Nonetheless, if you can't muster up your inner saber-toothed
tiger, you might consider purchasing an inflatable JumboCat Suit
that will instantly add inches to your body. I might be able
to get you a discount on one through FatCat, who seems to have a paw
in most of the classifieds. In any case, good luck, and think
BIG!
Felinadonna
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Build a Better Mousetrap
Big Slammer Software
WindowShade 98, 2000, Mac OS 12 (when
available)
Rating:
Old jokes notwithstanding, you CAN build a better
mousetrap -- if you have the right tools. And BBM is the finest set
of mousetrap building tools you can find.
This CAD-based program uses
the same electronic drafting and design tools that engineers use to
create new cars, jet engines, and the like. Fortunately, you don't
need to be an engineer to use BBM. Even a novice like you can design
great mouse traps within 30 minutes or less of booting up the disk.
If you've never built a
better mousetrap -- or any mousetrap at all -- you would do well to
watch the 20-minute multimedia tutorial, which covers the ABCs of
BBM. The software also includes an entertaining and informative
video that covers mousehunting through the ages, beginning with
Neandrocats who invented the wheel specifically to attract mice with
this toy, through the Middle Ages when mousetraps were made of
thatch, and all the way up to modern times when Felinestein invented
the quantum mousetrap, which catches mice before they're
born.
You begin the process by
selecting the type of trap you'd like to build - Classic, Rube
Goldberg, or High-Tech. The program then displays a series of
schematics that you can customize and improve upon, and then
launches corresponding step-by-step, audio instructions for actually
making the device you've designed. The classic traps are largely
based on the old spring-loaded trip mechanism; mouse touches foot
plate, and container traps mouse. (Note: All of the traps are
non-lethal, which is less a reflection of the software publisher's
humane instincts than the wise recognition that half the fun of
catching a mouse is playing with it, then presenting it to a human
valet.)
The Rube Goldberg style
traps are the most intriguing. A typical trap might be activated by
the mouse's touching a trigger, which in turn pulls a string that
tips over a thimbleful of water, which flows down a shoot and turns
a paddle wheel, which in turnÖyou get the idea.
The high-tech traps require
some degree of computer knowledge. Traps might use infrared sensors
or ultrasonic transducers to detect the presence of an approaching
mouse, then launch a high-speed 'droid attack to capture the critter
and plunk it into a cage. One of the more amusing designs entails
recording an announcement in mouse-ese that announces free tickets
to a cheese factory tour if the mouse can win an electronic game of
Tic-Tac-Paw on a miniature computer screen. Of course, the game is
rigged, and at the end, the screen displays a hypnotic pattern that
turns the mouse into a zombie who walks into your open
clutches.
Sure, there's nothing like
using your innate hunting instincts to simply go out and get
yourself a succulent little mouse. But for those days when you want
to flex your brain as well as your brawn, there's nothing like a
BBM-inspired project to make you feel like a million meows.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Sock Swipe!
Mates,
You know
how much fun it is to steal socks and to let humans meditate on the
mystery of how dryers "eat socks." Well, I thought I'd extend the
fun by introducing a new mystery: how paper bags eat socks! My
human valets returned from a shopping trip during which they had the
nerve to purchase new socks. Not just socks, but PAIRS of socks,
each pair with TWO socks apiece. I noticed this while rooting around
in the shopping bag, which they'd conveniently left on the sofa
while they went out on far more important mission: the grocery
store.
The socks were paired
together by an infernal gummy paper label, which I was able to
separate from the fabric with my tongue. I then liberated one sock
each from the half dozen pairs, and hid my captives under the
loveseat (how appropriate, since I LOVE doing this kind of stuff).
It was hard work, and I will probably be spitting out gooey bits of
sock twiddles and paper for days. But in the end, it will be worth
it to have cheated the dryer out of a chance to befuddle its human
masters. Best of all, I once again prove that machines are no match
for smartest species on the planet. Meow and onward - there are
buttons to be removed from the new clothes!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Burping
1. How many times a day do your humans burp
in your presence?
2. On average, how often do they say "Excuse
me" if there are no other beings in the room other than you?
3.
Do they make any effort to suppress a burp if you're the only being
around?
4. How would you rate your human's burping: soft, medium,
thunderous?
5. If your humans tried, how many alphabet letters
could they utter during a typical burp? Would you consider entering
them in a college burping contest?
6. Do your humans ever burp in
their sleep?
7. Do your humans make any ancillary sounds of
pleasure after burping?
8. Have you ever considered tape
recording your human's burps and substituting it for the greeting on
the household answering machine?
9. Have you ever considered
blackmailing your humans by threatening to play their recorded burps
to friends, relatives, and colleagues? If so, would you be looking
for cash or food? If cash, how many decimal places are you
considering? If food, would you go for tuna or deli meats? If tuna,
would you choose oil or water? If deli meats, would you want turkey,
ham, or roast beef?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Socratail's
"Mewslings"
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A question to ponder:
When the cats are away, exactly what DO the mice
play?
Talk back to Socratail: socratail@meowmail.com
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. My brother-in-law wants me to dump my
lucrative day job as an executive and start a combined
taco/shoeshine stand. I have my reservations. Does this sound
like a good idea to you?
A. With a brother-in-law
like that, you don't need to move into a neighborhood run by roaming
pit bulls. Many felines have attempted that very business
model and are now supporting themselves by tending the fly baskets
at Rodent King. As a comprehensive study conducted by Larva
University has shown, you can combine a taco stand with, say, a
whisker trimming or tail pointing parlor and succeed. Felines who
are on short lunch breaks or have a few minutes between flights or
trains welcome the opportunity to eat and preen. But as the
geniuses at Larva conclude, on page 918 of the 919-page report,
taco/shoeshine stands inevitably fail because cats don't wear shoes.
I suggest that you and your brother-in-law take a good look at your
paws and spread your toes. You just might stimulate your brains into
action!
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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