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TOP NEWS STORY
SECRET OF THE GREAT PUMPKIN REVEALED!
Philadelphia, PA.
Is the Great Pumpkin really a cat in gourds' clothes? Probably, says Vivian
von Snorkle, owner of Von Snorkle Orchards of Philadelphia, a
family farm that's been owned and operated by felines for 75
years.
"We've had
our eye on the Great Pumpkin, ever since he first
began visiting our squash patch and posing as one of the gourds in
October of 1992," asserted von Snorkle. "He was a sly
one, and he almost had us fooled. Then the Big Event
occurred."
Here's
what happened, in von Snorkle's own words: "One of our cat hands
dropped a hunk of cheese from his All-American grinder
into the pumpkin patch.
And, naturally, a mouse scampered toward the cheese as soon
as the cat hand
left. But, unbeknownst to the mouse, there WAS someone watching
the incident. The so-called Great Pumpkin began to shudder, and
thump, and he scared the mouse away. I only know this because I
was working late in my office, catching up on some
paperwork, and I happened to see the whole thing through my
window."
Every
year, since then, von Snorkle
has waited for a
sign that the Great Pumpkin is really no squash at
all but an actual
cat in disguise. When the cat hands' kittens go trick-or-treating,
she checks to see if one of the little beggars
might be the Great Pumpkin himself. "There have been many kittens whom I've
suspected of being the Great Pumpkin, but no one I
can firmly prove is the cat we're looking for," admitted von
Snorkle.
However, we at the Morning Hairball urge you to
take precautions. If you happen to see the Great Pumpkin, remember
that he might be armed with claws and dangerous. "A strange cat is
never a pretty thing to deal with, especially if you value your
turf," emphasized von Snorkle. "So don't try to apprehend the
suspect on your own. Call us,
at Von Snorkle Orchards
of Philadelphia, and we'll come pick up the Great Pumpkin.
We're in the phone
book. Or you can call the local law enforcement personnel.
But beware: some police officers, both feline and human, are
skeptical about whether or not the Great Pumpkin even exists. Convicing them to
bring pawcuffs, in case the Great Pumpkin is in fact
a feline, might be pushing the envelope just a bit too
far."
There's no need
for panic quite yet, furry readers. You can still get
out there and have a wonderful Halloween. Just be sure to avoid any
large, lumpy, orange gourds that may or may not be
the Great Pumpkin - or a feline just pretending to be
one.
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ORIGINAL LITTERTURE FROM
MEOWMAIL COLONISTS
Henry the First
By Henry
julizank@meowmail.com
I'm Henry the 1st, I am
Henry the 1st, I am, I am.
I was adopted by the people next
door And they've had kitties several times before,
but never
once was there Henry
They had a Julie, Liza and an Em
I'm
their first old man, I'm Henry,
Henry the 1st I am.
H E N R
Y-Henry, Henry, Henry the 1st I am, I am.
Henry the 1st I
am.
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#4534 Phone silencer. Are
you tired of being ignored by humans, who insist on giving their
full attention to the telephone instead of to you? Then buy a Stony
Phone Silencer. Made to fit any telephone, this device slips beneath
the base and neuters the ringer before it can alert your human that
there's a call. But don't worry about getting in trouble - missed
calls will be routed directly to the answering machine to be
retrieved, and returned, much later (preferably, when you're asleep
and couldn't care less what the humans are doing).
#7113 Treat snatcher.
Do you suspect that the young humans in your home will get
bags full of candy this Halloween, and refuse to share any of it
with you? Then you need Tweetums Treat Snatcher, a pair of
3-feet-long plastic tongs that will let you grab all the candy you
can eat, without being seen. The transparent Treat Snatcher slips
onto one paw, and is nearly invisible to the human eye. However, its
precise springing action will let you select, and then steal,
whichever Halloween treats catch your fancy. A special
built-in heat sensor will alert you in the event that a human is
close by, so that you can put away the Treat Snatcher and hide under
the sofa. Why go hungry this Halloween when you can share in the
holiday treats? Only you, and your dentist, have to know what you're
up to.
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Restaurant Reviews!
Eat Like Royalty!
Cleopatra's House of Sloth
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
Click here
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
When humans open the door
repeatedly, but won't let me go outside. On holidays, when other
humans come to visit us, I find this particularly annoying.
Ding-dong! Ding-dong! The humans rush to the door. But, if I try to
gallop alongside of them, I'm called "Bad Hissy!" and told to "Get
away!" Humans who tease their cats in this manner - and enjoy it! -
should be hissed at and perhaps even head-bonked by their betters.
In fact, this Halloween, I might just try it myself!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
My human adopted a new goldfish. Unfortunately, his bowl stays
just out of my reach on a high shelf. I can smell the fishy aroma,
but I can't snack on the little aquatic wretch. What should I
do?
Tortured in Tuscon
Dear Tortured,
Who says humans aren't cruel? This just points out the lows to
which they can sink. But both species can play at that game. Instead
of focusing on the goldfish, turn your attention to destroying
sentimental items that belong to your valets. A crystal vase? Smash
it! Books? Send them crashing! Dishes? Push 'em over the table, and
watch them shatter! You'll forget about the goldfish a lot more
quickly than your humans will forget about their toys!.
Felinadonna
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Click a Company
Feline Images Software
WindowSill 2000 Laughs and WindowPane PU; Mac OS9
What's the difference between
highly-successful, work-at-home felines and you? They have something
you don't: letterhead. Click a Company levels the litterbox by
allowing feline users to create customized brochures, stationery,
envelopes, business cards, and even newsletters.
First, decide on the type of
company you'd like to operate. Our built-in datebase will give you
hundreds of ideas, ranging from kitten sitting and mouse and locust
control to computer dismantling and furniture deupholstering. Each
business definition comes complete with images that are appropriate
for that sector, along with promotional copy to help you attract
paying customers. Using a wizard, and filling in your name and
address, you can create an entire direct mail kit in seconds
flat.
A separate module provides
details that cats would be wise to learn, such as the tax
ramifactions of having your own business, local zoning requirements,
permits, and so forth. As boring as this module might be, the makers
of Click a Company urge you NOT to bypass this part of the program
-- it could save your hide.
Finally, a business-savvy
narrator, in the guise of a pooper scooper, will guide you threw the
program's intricacies. Advanced users who might want to eliminate
the verbose and intrusive scooper will be disappointed to find the
narrator just won't go away, even when your company is listed among
the Fourpaws 500; however, Feline Images Software promises to fix
this bug via a patch, downloadable on its Web site.
So, if you can click a
mouse, you can operate your own successful home-based business. All
you need are Click a Company's expertise and printables, and you're
off and running.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Blank-Away
Mates,
As the
days grow shorter and the temperatures drop, I thought to meself,
"What could be more appropriate than sabotaging your human's efforts
to crochet a warm, cozy blanket, eh?"
So I waited until I saw the
season's first sign of needlework - a skein of yarn being wound into
a ball. Then I jumped onto my human's lap, ostensibly for a petting,
but actually to get at the yarn. The process of rubbing my ears,
belly, and paws set my human back 30 minutes. When my human took
heart and began her crocheting efforts again, my battle began in
earnest. For every stitch she completed, I ripped out three. At this
rate, my human will be done with our blanket - in ten years. I
just LOVE being a helper!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Martians
1. How many Martians do you chase, in
the average week?
2. Of those, how many are two feet tall,
green, and reek of broccoli?
3. What percentage look more
like mice than Martians?
4. How often do you harbor
suspicions that some of the Martians you're chasing are actually
mice?
5. How many Martians do you catch, per
week?
6. How many Martians escape?
7. Of the ones
who get away, how many are actually beamed back up to their
spaceship?
8. What percentage of the escaped Martians do you
keep in touch with?
9. What percentage of your human valets
believe that you're actually chasing Martians?
10. What
percentage of your humans are confident that you're chasing mice
instead?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. With
good employees so hard to come by these days, I'd love to hire a
litter of kittens who just turned 9 months old. However, legally,
I'm not allowed to hire them until they're 15 months and can produce
work papers. Do you know how I can get away with a little bit of
self-serving, civil disobedience?
A. Well, I'd never
recommend LYING about your employees' ages. However, I can provide
the following tip that my colleague, beauty queen and Morning
Hairball editor, Felinadonna, shared with me. Female kittens who
wear high-heeled shoes and sheer stockings tend to look months older
than those who go bare-pawed. And male kittens who wear bowties,
berets, and pocket watches often look as old as their
sires. So, of course, you'd never want to go out and hire underage
workers. But, in the event that you don't take my advice - at least
we both know that you're far less likely to get caught if you plan
ahead!
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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