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TOP NEWS STORY
BOTCHED EMAIL CHANGEOVER IGNITES GLOBAL FELINE FUROR
"Felines in every civilized
and uncivilized country of the world took to the streets
in droves to protest
MeowMail's abysmal attempt to implement a new and improved email
system for its members. With ears pushed back and backs
arched, many demonstrators hissed in unison: "Humans get email, we get NO mail!"
Some protestors affixed to their tails signs spouting angry slogans
such as, "Mail or Mew," "Kiss My Catnip," and "Make My
MeowMail."
"The Flea2K threat pales by comparison to this
debacle," notes Dr. Know Mooreslaw, noted expert at Mousers
Institute of Technology's (MIT) prestigious Center for Feline
Computational Studies. "The implications for the Net economy are
staggering. MeowMail's failure could take down the last of the
dotcoms. Global communication amongst those who really count for
anything -- felines -- could come to a grinding halt. And, if that
happened, then where would be?"
While the MeowMail staff has been tight-lipped
about the problem and has been issuing daily assurances that things
will be fixed soon, one outspoken and courageous columnist from the
site's Morning Hairball has broken from the ranks and has launched a
one-woman crusade to reveal the truth. "Why, a pack of inebriated
dogs could have done a better job," hissed - who else - Miss
Hissy.
These are the verbatim answers she received from
the two-legged HICs (humans in charge) who run the site when she
asked them the question: "Who defiled the MeowMail email
system?"
Steve Bennett, Chief Feline Officer: "I never
touched that email system. It must have been our Director of Pixels
and Paws, Howie Green."
Howie Green, Director of Pixels and Paws: "Beats
me. I was on vacation. Better ask the guy I left in charge, our
Chief of Digital Magic, John Crane."
John Crane, Chief of Digital Magic: "I'll get
right back to you about that. Ask our Director of Critter
Communications, Stacey Miller, for an official statement."
Stacey Miller, Chief of Critter Communications:
"This is off the record, isn't it? It's NOT!!? Then you'd better
talk to our Senior VP of Legal Litter, Timothy Shea, II."
Timothy Shea II, Senior VP of Legal Litter: "We'll take the
fifth."
Oh, well, what do you expect from a bunch of humans? OK, so
humans ARE good at something. They're quite adept at apologizing for
their incompetence. And the HICs at MeowMail.com do sincerely
apologize for any inconvenience or hassles the email changeover has
caused its members.
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ORIGINAL LITTERTURE FROM
MEOWMAIL COLONISTS
Should I be a vegetarian?
By Goodboy
goodboy@meowmail.com
I was out last night, the
grass soaked from the rains./
I'm the one with wet paws, yet
my human complains.
I paraded the yard, watching for the slightest
move./
When I noticed the slightest flicker, that caught my meowy
groove.
I stealthily approached, my head bent down low./
I crept in for the kill, the moth had no where to go.
I jumped up to grab it, my harness pulled me
back./
Damn it can't these humans ever give me extra slack.
I suppose I could be a vegetarian, I mean anyone
can./
But oh the smell of pork chops as they come out of the pan.
Sure I like the cheese inside Combos, and even
green olives too./
But to not have chicken once a week, would
make me way too blue.
Should I be a vegetarian, I ponder this tonight?/
Hell no! There'll be another moth tomorrow, to wet my
appetite.
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#5645 Sonorous Relief.Do your human valets feel compelled to sing to you
when they notify you that dinner is served? When they want your
company? Are they the types that get a tune in their heads and feel
the only way to expunge it is to sing it - at you? If so, you need
a pair of SongBusters. These special headphones are shaped
perfectly for the feline ear and connect to a white noise generator
designed to block out those frequencies associated with human
singing. The thimble-sized generator can hang from your neck or, if
you're the athletic type, can be strapped onto a leg or worn on a
headband. Order yours today for a song-free tomorrow. Specify ear
size.
8484 High-Tech Breath
Freshener -- Not. It's the old story. Your
human sticks his or her face within an inch of yours and then winces
at your apparent "bad breath." Then we hear threats of
feline toothpaste and breath fresheners. Yuck! Well, furry friends,
now there's a sweet fix for the problem: the Ace
Breath Deflector. This unobtrusive unit consists of a silent micro fan that
clips onto your collar and a subminiature tank of compressed minty mist.
The unit is activated by pulling a transparent string that attaches
to your left ear with Velcro. Just flick your ear when the humans
approach, and a burst of minty mist will be released into the
fan and directed towards the humans' faces. Note: this
classified was inspired by two prolific Cat Chat posters, Snickers and Owen.(snickers-owen@meowmail.com )
Thanks, guys!
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New Restaurant Review
Nothin' to Flip Over
House of Mouscakes
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
Click here
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
Humans who feel the need to spin me around
180 degrees when I saunter up to them, and lie down near, or on top
of, them. Don't they know that EITHER end of a cat is superior to
either end of theirs, and both ends of a cat always should be
treasured as an honored guest? No butts about it.
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
HELP! I just got back from a visit with my
personal physician who (the nerve of her!) found a pimple on my
face! I am beside myself with embarrassment -- all I want to do is
crawl under a bed and NEVER come out! I have spent the last 4 years
watching my human roommates spend their allowances on all sorts of
acne medication and
just about laughed myself silly at their
misfortune. And now, moi! My physician has prescribed an ointment for me to
apply before retiring for the evening but, in the meantime, what am I to
do about this unsightly blemish on my beautiful face? Can you give me
some advice? My feline roommates are beginning to stare!
Arabella
N.Y.C.
Dear Arabella of N.Y.C.
First of all, get a second opinion. I have it on good authority
that most cases of feline acne are actually pieces of salami that
get trapped by our whiskers and then stuck on our faces. I
also have it on good authority that salami was originally developed
by the FBI (Feline Bureau of Investigation) as the ultimate
bullet-proof material, and that it is NOT likely to dissolve when
assaulted with acne medications or anything else for that matter.
(The government gave up on salami-wear when tests proved that the
attire was a major disadvantage for undercover operatives working as
feeders and cage cleaners at zoos.) Anyway, if your roommates are
staring, they're almost certainly either hungry or jealous. Tell
them to head down to the nearest deli and search the dumpster for
droppings. Then they can stop envying you.
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Schlep Planner 2001
MasterBarf Software
WindowsPaneintheButt 2000, WindowSill BO, WindowSill PU
"Meow! Are we there yet?" Ö "I need to find a
litterbox" Ö "I haven't eaten in five minutes - I'm hungry" Ö
"Fluffy stuck his tail in my
ear" Ö "Stripey ate the crayons and
coughed up a green hairball" Ö "Mom, Igor's preening himself in
public again."
These are the kind of
utterances and back-seat altercations on long car trips that can
turn the most mild-mannered and loving feline parent into the kind
of predator that eats its young. Schlep Planner 2001 can take much
of the pain out of car traveling with kittens.
At the heart of the program
is the trip calculator, which is driven by the Feline Preference
System (FPS). Enter vital information such as the length of time you
can stay awake between naps, the number of times your kittens
typically throw up during the day, and the intervals you can go
without food (in milliseconds). You enter your beginning and end
destinations, indicate what kind of trip you'd like to take (the
fastest, the shortest, the one with the most birds and rodents,
etc.), press the "Go Schlep" button and Voila!; the program will
spit out a color map showing you the best route, along with
suggested driving and resting instructions. When we plugged in a
cross-town trip, here's the first 20 steps of our
directions:
Distance: two
miles
Travel Time: five hours
1. Get in
car.
2. Freak out under seats.
3. Snooze for 5
minutes.
4. Back out of driveway.
5. Pull over and
park.
6. Snack time!
7. Snooze for 5
minutes.
8. Drive to end of block.
9. Let kittens
out for barf break.
10. Drive 0.10 miles.
11. Pull
over.
12. Stretch; bio break.
13. Get back in car.
Take first left.
14. Drive 0.14 miles.
15. Pull over
and park by sewer grate.
16. Watch for rodents.
17. Snooze for 15 minutes.
18. Get back in
car.
19. Roll down windows. Group barf.
20. Take
first right.
And so it goes. As a bonus,
you can decide on the kind of road-side attractions and sites you'd
like the program to identify for your travels- restaurants, dog-free
zones, famous places where cats have peed, etc. Schlep Planner 2001
can even generate games and distractions for kittens, such as
guessing the number of bugs that will be smooshed on the windshield.
No, SchelpPlanner 2001
doesn't promise to get rid of the dreaded "Are we there yets?" But
it will turn driving time into quality time with your
kittens.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Window Shade Away!
Mates,
I don't
know about you, but I HATE window shade cords. You know the kind I
mean. The ones with the string-wrapped rings at the end. They're fun
to bat but, just when you get one in your mouth, the darn shade goes
up, and there's nothing to play with anymore.
So I decided to do away with
the cords on the kitchen window shade.
It was fun. Of course, I
waited until my humans had served me my breakfast. Then I granted
them all the time they needed to eat their morning meal.
Fortunately, the are slobs, and they leave their dirty dishes in the
sink until dinnertime.
When they were gone, I
jumped onto a chair and, from there, leaped onto the counter. Then I
dipped into the sink and grabbed a dirty butter knife. Holding the
utensil under my chin, I dived onto the window sill.
And then, working slowly and
steadily, I sawed away at the cords until, at last, they had both
parted company with the window shade. I hid the evidence in the
cabinet under the sink, where the humans NEVER think to look until
the garbage disposal breaks.
Then, reversing the process,
I found my way back up to the sink. I thought about washing the
butter knife -- but no! That would make it too easy for humans to
blame the broken cords on me. I simply placed the butter knife back
into the loaded sink and climbed down again to begin the other
smashings on my list of daily chores. And, for once, there were no
more dangling window shade cords to get in my way.
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Whisker
Holders
1. Have you ever counted your whisker
holders (those are the dots on your face that keep your whiskers in
place)?
2. If so, how many do you have?
3. Does that
number change, from one whisker holder census to the
next?
4. Is the number the same on each side of your
nose?
5. Does the number of whisker holders you have
correspond exactly to the number of whiskers you have?
6. Do
you have more whisker holders than you need?
7. If so, would
you be willing to donate some to felines who are in need of whisker
holders?
8. What percentage of your whisker holders would
you be willing to donate?
9. If the donation were
tax-deductible, how much would the percentage
increase?
10. Would you give any whisker holders away - say,
to your human valets - if they asked you nicely? Why or why
not?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. I plan to retire in two years and
I will have a succession problem. My wife wants me to turn over the
reigns to my son, Bonzo. Well, Bonzo is a nice enough kitten, and I
love him dearly. Alas, he has the I.Q. of a flea and the drive of a
three-day old hairball. It would be in the best interest of the
company for me to find a more competent successor. What should I do?
I have a fiduciary responsibility to the company's stakeholders, but
if I don't promote Bonzo, my spouse will personally neuter me, from
the ears down.
A. I was in the same
situation myself when I retired several years ago. I opted for the
neutering, which has actually worked out very well. It gave me the
perfect credentials for becoming a management consultant.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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