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TOP NEWS STORY
ELECTION 2000:
SNAGGING THE FELINE VOTE
"You're nuts if you
believe the accuracy of the latest presidential election polls," says
Dr. Fuzzy Fogfeet, professor of political science at Larva University.
"None of the polls take into account the feline vote factor. And this
year's election is likely to bring out record numbers of
cats who want their mews to be heard at the ballot
box."
To measure the potential impact of feline votes,
Fogfeet and his Larva U colleagues conducted a comprehensive survey
of alley cats and canvassed their indoor brethren and sisters door
to door. The results should serve as a wakeup call for candidates in
all parties. Here are a few of the most important
highlights:
Education: "It's the M's, stupid." Says Fogfeet,
"More than 80 percent of cats surveyed said they want a president
who will focus on the traditional 3 M's - meows, mice, and Martians.
Today's kittens can build a Global Mouse Positioning System from
scratch faster than they can lap up a puddle of spilled tuna juice.
But can they project their meows so their humans will think they're
lost or chase invisible Martians off the premises? Not a
chance."
Environment: "Send the sanitation department
back to the dumps." At least 60 percent want a president who won't
veto open dumpster legislation or bans on trash can lids, so that
more cats can enjoy the aroma of, and access to, fresh garbage in
their neighborhoods.
Crime. "Lock 'em up and toss the keys." A
resounding 100 percent of cats surveyed demand that major
metropolitan areas at least triple the number of dog catchers and
deploy them on a three-shift basis.
Other survey findings include a strong interest
in lifting the ban on Cuban catnip, introducing hairball tax
credits, easing federal litterbox emission standards, and forcing
sparkling toilet water makers to list the inorganic contents of
their products.
Even before the survey was formally released,
the candidates lost no time in currying the feline vote. Al Gore was
seen crawling on all fours in a downtown Manhattan alley while
pressing the fur with the local felines. Just one block away,
George Bush was photographed emerging from a dumpster with a rat in
his mouth. And independent candidate Ralph Nader was seen placing
seals of approval on every mousetrap that had been manufactured
since 1892.
"They just don't get it," Fogfeet said with a
sigh. "It's about substance, NOT superficial, disingenuous gestures.
I'll wager that Vice President Gore burned his clothes after his
alley escapades and that Governor Bush never swallowed a lick of
fur. Even Ralph Nader probably lets the mice escape from his
rodent-safe traps. Pay attention guys: before you can expect the
feline vote, you'd better walk a mile in our feline paws. And try
not to drool in our litterboxes."
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PLAY REVIEW
"MacCat"
Three Paws
Okay, we know that classic plays aren't very
popular these days. But, because so many kittens have started school
again, we pondered the question: if they were assigned to read the
famous play, MacCat - written in the 16th century, of course, by the
famous playwright, Shakenpierce - would they be able to discern the
plot? If not, we figured they could use some help. That's where our
review comes in.
Here goes. As best as we can understand, MacCat
is a henpecked husband. Literally. Lady MacCat is a chicken,
although Shakenpierce never explains the reasons behind the
feline/poultry union. We're left to guess at the symbolism. One day,
Lady MacCat lays an egg. She decides to make an omelet, but first
she must clean out her pan. There's a splotch of soap scum on her
pan, so Lady MacCat utters the much-quoted line, "Out, soap scum!
Out, I say!" and then fries her omelet.
In the meantime, someone impeaches the
president because he apparently got into a fight with a competing
emperor, Julius Wheezer. Here's where it gets complicated. MacCat
becomes so cranky that he procrastinates with all his chores. You
ask him to do something, and he keeps moaning: "Tomorrow and
tomorrow and tomorrowÖ"
Now, Lady MacCat may be a chicken, but she's no fool. She
realizes that MacCat will never amount to anything, so she gives him
a dagger. And, for reasons that Shakenpierce CERTAINLY never
reveals, MacCat uses the dagger to scrape the burned-on omelet off
the pan. The soap scum stain goes away, and everyone is happy.
So why do literature teachers call MacCat a tragedy? They've
never read the play. Now, if they would only learn to read the
Morning Hairball's vast array of critical reviews, they'd be all
set, and they would display their ignorance as frequently as they
do. Perhaps you could pass a copy of this review along to the
offending teachers. We're sure they'll appreciate it.
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#9685 Bathroom Shredder. Are you tired of having
to destroy all those rolls of soft, squeezable paper the
old-fashioned way? Then try a shredder made especially for toilet
paper. As soon as the human replaces a roll and leaves the room,
thread the end into the machine. An automated grabber will move the
paper along, where it will be mercilessly torn apart by scores of
synthetic claws (which never need sharpening). When the toilet paper
roll is ripped to shreds, open up the device's spill-proof top, and
spill the remnants onto the bathroom floor. A special attachment
accommodates paper towel and giftwrap rolls. Requires 4 FF
batteries; not included.
#8754 Bathroom Shredder. Are you tired of
having to destroy all those rolls of soft, squeezable paper the
old-fashioned way? Then try a shredder made especially for toilet
paper. As soon as the human replaces a roll and leaves the room,
thread the end into the machine. An automated grabber will move the
paper along, where it will be mercilessly torn apart by scores of
synthetic claws (which never need sharpening). When the toilet paper
roll is ripped to shreds, open up the device's spill-proof top, and
spill the remnants onto the bathroom floor. A special attachment
accommodates paper towel and giftwrap rolls. Requires 4 FF
batteries; not included.
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Check out the New
September
Feline
Horoscopes!
Are
you a Giblet? Birdgo? Sardinus?
Click Here to Find Out
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
Click here
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
When humans trip over me. Granted, I'm
faster than they are. But why don't they take that into account
before they start walking? It's just so unfair - especially when you
consider how monstrously large their feet are in comparison to our
paws. Humans, do us all a favor. Either remain couch potatoes, or
plot your course more carefully next time you decide to get up and
go. Or simply learn to fly. After all, you are for the
birds!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Miss Felinadonna,
Miss Felinadonna, my pet keeps trying to
give me a bath!!! She claims that I smell bad and that she
doesn't want me to smell like "an outdoors cat." She even tried to groom
me! She thinks that, because my littermate, Sable, is a longhair and loves
to be brushed, I should, too! Help me, please!
Tigger
Dear Tigger,
Cats should definitely
be seen and not bathed. Why not see how your pet likes
to be brushed - say, with your 18 claws?!!!! No, I'm not
suggesting that you dent your pet's strange, furless skin. That would be too
easy. However, a gentle grooming or two will serve as a warning that your
human should leave you alone. Baths are for dogs and humans who don't
have as many options in life as we do.
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Ad Along, Release 1
Tellycats
Software
WindowPain 2000, WindowSilt 8x and higher, Mac
Whatever happened to those old commercials you
grew up with? Well, they're back again, thanks to Tellycats Software's
Ad Along.
Remember that old advertisement for Fishenheimer's chopped salmon and rice?
Boot up Ad Along, and you can see it over and over again. Here's
how it goes, for those of you who are too young
to remember:
First kitten: What's this chopped-up fishy
stuff?
Second kitten: Some catfood. The humans say it's good for
you.
First kitten: I'm certainly not eating it.
Second kitten:
Me, neither.
First kitten: Say, let's get the stupid dog to eat
it. He'll eat anything. (Nudges the bowl down the counter with his
paws toward the waiting canine.)
Stupid dog: Glub. Glub.
Glub.
First and second kittens: He likes it! Hey, stupid
dog!
Voiceover: When you bring Fishenheimer's chopped salmon
and rice home, don't tell your kittens it's supposed to be good for them.
They'll only ralph. You're the only one who has to know
the truth.
Especially enjoyable for our team of testers was the section
on musical advertisements. Every jingle from your kittenhood is sung by the
original artist. You'll find music by some of the greatest recording artists of the
day, who were forced to supplement their income by writing such
ditties as:
"I am stuck on flea spray, and flea spray's
stuck on meÖ"
"Sniff 'em your way, at Catnip FlingÖ"
"You
deserve a bath today, so get up and run awayÖ"
"Be a mouser,
drink Dr. MouserÖ"
"I'd like to teach the world to meow in
perfect harmonyÖ"
"Double your whiskers, double your
funÖ."
"There's nothing like the sound of a cat eating a
chocolate bugÖ"
And, last but not least, "Two all
mouse patties, stinky sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, beetles, on a sesame
seed bunÖ"
If you remember watching it between television
shows, you'll find it on Ad Along. Easy to boot up, easy to navigate
- and easy to spend weeks of your time relishing your kittenhood
memories. There isn't a thing about this treasury of historical
television commercials that we would change.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Pen Pals!
Mates,
Do your humans like to keep their pens capped?
Do they enjoy keeping their pens in view? Well, so much for their
preferences. Our troops are here to see to it that all pens wind up
where they belong. By the time we were done flinging around the
humans' writing implements, there wasn't a pen in sight that was fit
for writing. Ha! That will teach humans to communicate the
old-fashioned way. From now on, they can boot up their computers -
or they can lose touch with the outside world.
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Grooming
1. How much time do you spend each day
grooming yourself?
2. How much time do your humans spend,
grooming themselves?
3. Who, would you say, does the more
thorough job of grooming?
4. If a human tried to give you a
bath, what are the odds that you would allow it?
5. What are
the chances that the human would emerge from the bath
unscathed?
6. If your human tried to follow your bath with a
blow drying session, what would happen to his or her chances of
appearing in public for the rest of the week?
7. How long
will elapse before your human decides to give you another bath?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Socratail's
"Mewslings"
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A question to ponder:
How clean can a litterbox really be if you
never flush it?
Talk back to Socratail: socratail@meowmail.com
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. The fast food restaurant where I work is
demanding that I wear a cap over my ears. They say that, otherwise,
I might shed into their fixin's. However, I look terrible in hats.
What should I do?
A. Here's a tip for
you. Try owning a fast food restaurant sometime. Then you'll see why
your supervisors want you to practice safe cooking. The alternative
is to face lawsuits by kittens who have found fur fragments in their
fried feather fajitas. Put your vanity aside and practice some good
business. You'll work your way up to cashier in no time - and
cashiers do NOT have to wear caps.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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