TOP NEWS STORY

CATS TO BOSTON:
BIG DIG NO BIG DEAL

Boston, MA  "Boston should be ashamed of itself for the billion dollar cost overruns on the Big Dig, in which a very ugly and useless overhead expressway will be dismantled and placed underground - at a cost of only $1.4 billion more than the original price tag. They could do it for a teensy tiny fraction of the cost."  That according to Sir Ornery Tailbopper, president of the Society of Feline Architects and Project Planners (SFAPP). "The most expensive part of the project, the excavation, could be done for two sixty-nine," he hisses while rapidly flexing his ears back and forth. "That's TWO DOLLARS AND SIXTY NINE CENTS."

This Hairball reporter was intrigued and pressed on. "How?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Tailbopper said with the kind of canary in the mouth smirk that drives newscats nuts.  "SFAPP would have purchased a single box of milk bones, then hung out on the Boston Commons, which many canines believe is their backyard.  There we would have placed flyers on the trees, poles, and other structures dogs frequent. The flyers would have announced a really cool contest in which milk bones have been buried at varying depths along the path of the big dig, and that the dog who retrieved the most would get big pats on the head by the city's mayor and get to eat the three remaining treats in the box.  Of course - heh, heh -- dogs would be dumb enough to fall for the ploy (we'd 'seed' the path with actual milk bones in case any of the dogs got suspicious, which is doubtful).

According to SFAAP's computer projects, if 500 dogs (depending on size and breed) fell for the setup, in less than 2 hours and 42 minutes, the Big Dig would be dug.  The humans could then dump in the concrete for the underground roads, build a tunnel, backfill the dirt, and plant sod where the expressway used to be. The dogs would have even MORE open space to defile. Life would return to normal for commuters. And the city could spend its time doing what it's paid to do -- figure out more ways to incur massive project cost overruns. "It's a triple win!!" enthuses Tailbopper.

Is this mere theoretical conjecture on the part of one slightly full-of-himself cat?  "There are great historical precedents for this technique," Tailbopper squeaks. "Did you know that felines used the same approach when they coordinated the dredging of the Panama canal & excavating the footings for the Great Wall of China & the building of a secret subterranean Akkadian disco dance hall underneath the Great Pyramid at Giza & and the digging of a new foundation for Mt. McKinnly (not many cats know it was moved ten feet from its original location to make room for a new Walmart)? Those are just a few proof points. Any questions?" 

Just one for this Hairball reporter. What's in it for The Society of Feline Architects and Project Planners? "Oh, just the satisfaction of making and difference in a great city," says Tailbopper with a devilish twinkle in his eye. "And proving once again that dogs do & when cats mew."

MOVIE REVIEW
"Charlie's Kittens"
Two claws down

Can three beautiful, long-haired cats really fight crime without leaving their litterboxes? Yes, says the new movie, Charlie's Kittens, which is now playing at a theater near you.

The feline flick is, of course, based on the 70s television series of the same name that starred the unforgettable, real-life models Fairer Faucet, Kit Snackson, and Blackeye Smithe. This newer, updated version stars the original actresses' great-grandkittens who, coincidentally, have the exact same names as their forebears. Intellectually-challenged viewers, therefore, will find it possible to read and understand the closing credits, IF they actually make it to the end of the movie.

Once again, the problem with Charlie's Kittens is that it's tough enough to believe three statuesque Persian cats would actually choose careers in law enforcement. But that they could work together without constantly engaging in catfights is just too outrageous for audiences to swallow.

Also, you could drive tractor-trailers through the plots' holes. Take, for example, the first case featuring a canine underworld figure who catnaps Kit Snackson's great-granddaughter's character. Fine, but why do we follow them to Las Vegas in the next scene to watch them get married? And who would believe that a Persian cat would deign to even date a mutt, let alone travel to Las Vegas with one of them? And then fail to invite her best friends, Fairer Faucet's and Blackeye Smithe's great-granddaughers' characters? Those are just a few examples of why we must give this film two claws down.

If you're longing for a bit of nostalgia, you'd do better to rent videotapes of the original series. Don't settle for the great-granddaughters when you can still see the well-preserved originals.

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