TOP NEWS STORY

BACK TO SCHOOL:
KITTEN UNIFORMS HOT ISSUE
Washington, DC.  Education experts at the nation's capitol have finally reached a consensus on the ever-volatile issue of kitten school uniforms. And the consensus is: we're just not sure.   

"Studies have proven conclusively that wearing uniforms reduces hissing, catfights, back arching, and tail slapping," says Dr. Armeechee Underblatt, a noted kitten psychologist and a consultant to the government's  Department of Feline Education.  "Kittens who wear school uniforms show other positive effects, too. They are more likely to engage in group moth hunting, group projectile barfing,  and multi-cat dumpster exploration during recess. Kittens who wear uniforms are also more likely to engage in group crooning that leads to bonding."

The Feline Teacher's Association (FTA), however, is less sanguine about the uniforms. "This is a real can of worms," says Greenhair Hamshank, head of the FTA's task force on uniforms. "For example, who will decide if the uniforms are to be spotted, striped, flecked, or smoked? And will kittens have matching tail caps? These are serious issues. And what about branding from the manufacturers' logos? Just because humans are dumb enough to volunteer to be two legged billboards, we don't have to let our kittens do the same. After all, we are the superior species."

Underblatt argues vehemently that the FTA is just dragging its haunches. "Oh catnip boogers. Uniforms for kittens are inevitable. The only remaining issues are logistical ones. So why don't we just make our decisions and move forward?"

Dr. Underblatt's insistence did raise the curiosity of this Morning Hairball reporter, who began to sense that something was rotten in the litterbox. Sure enough, it turns out that Dr. Underblatt is the majority shareholder of Kitten Duds (KDUDs) -a major manufacturer of kitten clothing that bears the Fleabok, Moulting, and Spikey logos."

When asked about the conflict of interest, Underblatt arched his back and hissed, "Catnip boogers. This is a conspiracy! In my day, we walked three miles to school in rain and snow, and our fur looked so mangy we would have been THRILLED to get uniforms. Kittens today are such spoiled ingrates."

We'll keep you posted as this story unfolds and the experts iron out the details.

BOOK REVIEW

What Color Is Your Litterbox
TenClaw Press

Just as we can count on autumn foliage turning colors, we look forward to the latest annual update of What Color Is Your Litterbox. Right on schedule, the 2001 edition is here, replete with more incomprehensible diagrams, charts, insipid sayings, and dopey exercises. Nonetheless, if you're choosing a new career path, you won't feel right unless you buy a copy.

Some parts of the book are actually useful, such as the exercise in which you sit on your haunches, stretch your hind legs, and lick your toes while contemplate the 43 tastiest foods you've ever eaten and how you felt after your best-ever catnap. You probably won't experience Nirvana or gain any insights into yourself, but you'll certainly find the exercises more exciting than yet another trip to the newsstand to scan the help-wanted ads. Then there's the all new skills grid which has been updated to reflect talents necessary for success in the new economy. Did you know, for example, that if you can mew and walk at the same time, you're qualified to be the CEO of a paw-com startup? Or that if you can stare at a moth for 10 seconds without eating it, you can work as a feline/human valet relationship manager? Who would have thought?!!

OK, so the book isn't perfect. But we've grown sort of accustomed to buying a new copy annually. After all, there isn't a year that goes buy that doesn't find us pounding the alleyways to find better jobs.

DIGITAL FLEA MARKET

We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com) to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified item number.

#8745 Make Big Bucks While Throwin' Up!  You probably thought that hairballs were only good for grossing out humans and confusing the household dog. Wrong! We're now recruiting prolific barfers to help create hairball bas relief objets d'art that imitate the work of some of the most famous contemporary feline artists. You get an unlimited supply of mineral oil and sparkling toilet water (your choice of lime, lemon, or Classic Smelly) to help you along. Also, we'll supply you with a puke-by-number template and complete instructions for hurling distance and height. With a little practice, you'll be cranking 'em out like a master. Which is important, since you'll be paid on a piecemeal basis. Any qualified feline can apply today. You don't have to be able to draw a stick figure; you simply must be willing to have your hairballs displayed in public. If interested, contact fatcat@meowmail.com.