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TOP NEWS STORY
NEW STUDY VALIDATES FELINE AEROBICS
Stockholm. The
debate over feline aerobics is over, according to a new
study by The Swedish Meatball Institute for Healthy Felines (SMIHF).
"We not only have conclusive evidence
that feline aerobic exercises have many benefits," says
Dr. Youbet Yurr-Bloatenbottem, director of the Institute. "But you have to
do the RIGHT exercises. Otherwise, you're wasting your time and
expending energy when you may just as well be
sleeping."
In fact, that was the problem with
earlier studies that concluded aerobics offered no benefit.
"They were looking at the WRONG exercises," claims Dr.
Yurr-Bloatenbottem.
"The benefits of proper aerobic
exercise," he continues, "include increased appetite, more need for
sleep, less energy, stronger aversion to water, and decreased
tolerance for dogs."
So which exercises are wrong, and which
ones are right? Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem offers the following
guidelines:
Tail fwappes, NOT swishes. The tail
swish, touted by many personal trainers as THE exercise of the new
millennium, is a random tail movement that originates with the tail
connector. "It's nonsense," sighs Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem. "What a
waste. All that pointless energy, right down the drain." Instead,
Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem recommends the fwappe (sixteen a day - no
more, no less), a series of decisive flicks of the tail. "But the
sequence is critical! You must do two fwappes to the left and one to
the right, followed by three to the right and four to the
left. Any deviation in sequence, and you might as well be
snoring."
For variety, Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem
endorses donut-shaped weights that you can easily slide onto your
tail and fasten with Velcro. "You can buy a fine set at the
Swedish Meatball Institute for Healthy Felines. Or, if you
can't make it to our Institute, you can purchase tail weights online
by logging onto the SMIHF site.
Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem also suggests that
felines who want to get in shape try the Catnip, which is a
variation of the Grapevine movement practiced by humans. However,
since the Catnip involves a great deal of bouncing around and
coordination, Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem acknowledges that beginners
should stick with the basic fwappe. "And, for those who are
truly athletically-challenged, there's also lunging at imaginary
mice to build up those pawzoids. Any cat worth its whiskers
should already be a pro at that maneuver, and mindless repetition of
the lunge is key to developing excellent pawzoid definition," Dr.
Yurr-Bloatenbottem concludes.
The Morning Hairball's own health and
beauty columnist, Felinadonna, is currently evaluating the SMIHF
program. In the event that Felinadonna has a problem with it,
Dr. Yurr-Bloatenbottem already has his rebuttal in place:
"Felinadonna will tire herself just thinking about all that
exercise. See, the benefits of my program work for everyone;
you have but to think about SMIHF's techniques, and you'll wear
yourself out. Why don't you get ready for beddie-bye right now, eh?
Probably a good time for a nap - the benefits of my program are
indisputable."
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BOOK REVIEW
Don't Just
Snore
on the
Floor!
20 Exotic Cat Naps that will
Challenge Your Nine Lives
by Sly Van Snoozer
Sure, any feline can catch a few Zs on the back
of a couch, a pillow, or windowsill. Big deal-isn't that what
we're built to do?. But have you ever caught 10.5 winks while
hanging by your tail from a chandelier during a major dinner party -
and gone unnoticed? That's the kind of thrill author and
professional sleepster Sly Van Snoozer brings you in his
comprehensive and tantalizing new self-help best-seller, Don't Just
Snore on the Floor! Van Snoozer, a TV personality who appears
regularly on Good Night Felines with his sleep tips, shows you how
to turn sleep from a biological function into an art form.
Each of Van Snoozer's exotic "sleep ventures"
has been tried and tested; his descriptions are replete with photos,
schematics, and charming anecdotes. Van Snoozer explains, for
example, how he actually debuted the aforementioned chandelier
escapade during a black-tie event held at the State Department while
he was serving as the government's top international mouser. The
only diplomat who noticed his presence was a former aboriginal
hunter whose poison dart blowgun happened to be in the shop for
recalibration. "Coulda been bad," Van Snoozer writes in his crisp,
punchy tone. Other famous Van Snoozer snoozes include napping atop
the flag pole on the opening day of the baseball season at Boston's
Fenway Park, and sleeping in the grand piano at Carnegie Hall while
the New York Philharmonic performed a Beethoven symphony.
If you're suffering from a lackluster sleep
life, Van Snoozer's book may be just what you need to bring a little
P(izzazz) into your Zs!
Note: Don't Just Snore on the Floor! is only
available online from the publisher. Before purchasing it, you must
sign a waiver of rights and an indemnification form absolving the
publisher, the author, and any future descendants of the publisher
or author from any liability due to injuries incurred during sleep
stunts.
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#6894 Treat Yourself Like a Prince or
Princess. Face it. After a hard day of work or creating
distractions for your human valets, you deserve to be coddled and
stroked. But sometimes, when your human valets are late or selfishly
go out to dinner or a movie, there's no one around to administer
those behind-the-ear or top 'o the tail connector rubs. Well, the
heck with them! With our PortaKitty Massage Parlor you can get
strokes without leaving your basket. Designed by experts at the
Swedish Meatball Institute for Feline Health (see feature story),
this product is truly the first all-in-one massage center for cats.
Strap on the message helmet, and tiny rubber fingers softly whirl at
2000 rpms on your head while the chin strap comes to life. Slip on
the back pack, and activate the spinal roller - you'll be arching
your back for hours on end. And the optional mudpack module will do
wonders for your whiskers (the Hairball's beauty columnist,
Felinadonna, swears by it). Best of all, you can enjoy a full
massage while doing any of your other activities, from eating to
answering the call of nature! Remember, YOU'RE royalty, so treat
yourself like a member of the royal family. Call today for a free
video or arrange for a demo. Low monthly payment plan available.
Moneyback guarantee. (Free shipping if you order by tomorrow!)
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New Restaurant Review
Tear Into Yesterday's Lunch at
Chez Leftovers
Feline
Horoscopes!
Are you a
Brisket? Hambonus? Tunicorn?
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
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Find out more and start your collection today!
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
With all this talk about No-Hair Shelly and
the bad haircut, no one in this colony has had the guts to discuss
the real issue: retaliation! (Editor's note: In the August 7 edition
of The Morning Hairball, Shelly reported that her human valets gave
her an unauthorized, and embarrassingly bad, haircut. Felinadonna
suggested a quick hair replacement technique.) Let me tell you, if
humans gave ME a bad haircut, they'd rue the day that hairclippers
were ever invented! For every strand of fur they'd clip, I'd pluck
THREE strands of hair from their heads while they slept. And I'd
clip FIVE from their nose, and SEVEN from their armpits, and NINE
from their legs. And then I'd remove hair from places I won't even
get into! Just let those humans try to give ME a bad
haircut!!!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
EVEN MORE ON HAIRLESS WONDERS!!!!
Furry Readers. No-Hair Shelly's predicament has opened up the
floodgate of opinion, suggestions, and outrage. Here's just
one sample of the mailing flowing into my inbox as a result of this
dreadful occurrence:
To Shelly, via Felinadonna,
Be really careful when outdoors; you can get a bad sunburn, no
kidding. You need to stay in the shade or have sunblock slathered
all over you. If you can find some human sunblock, knock it to the
floor, and somehow get the goo spread around then roll yourself well
in it. I am really sorry you have such a stupid human. My person
would never do such a thing; if she dared, I would knock everything
not nailed down onto the floors and bat the stuff around, breaking
everything in sight, then I'd spill her coffee all over her hard
drive, then hang from my front claws on the curtains till they shred
or drop or both. Then I'd kiss up to the neighbors and MOVE.
Hopefully your fur comes in real nice.
Calliope
Dear Calliope:
Your umbrage is well taken and shared by many members of the
MeowMail community. Just one piece of advice: check out the
neighbors' vittles before you pack your bags. You know what they say
-- the mice are always chewier in someone else's
basement!
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
How Things Break
Volume 1:
The Complete Guide to Neutering Your Human's Computer
Windowsill LE (Litterbox
Edition), Windowsill 9x, Windowsill 2000
Rating:
Think of how much good your humans could
accomplish if they didn't spend so much time fiddling with their
desktops, trying to keep Word from crashing, and aimlessly surfing
the Net. Why, they could feed you 10 times a day, fetch your toys
for hours at a time, or even brush off all your loose fur as you
shed it. And, if humans didn't care so much about their computers,
they'd let you walk on the keyboard, nap on the printer, or even paw
at the monitor.
You'll never be able to reason with humans, but you can shape
their silly behaviors by initiating a little rage against the
machine and, effectively, shutting it down. Volume 4 of the How
Things Break series gives you everything you need to know to
sabotage your human's computer, from the most innocuous acts (like
jamming fur into the monitor port to create a maddeningly
intermittent connection) to blatant acts of techno-feline terrorism
(like puking into the monitor's air vents or using the CD ROM caddy
as a litterbox).
The CD is organized around the very clever and slick Destructo
Navigator, which makes it a snap to plan your breaking mission.
Simply click the appropriate icon on the Navigator (computer,
monitor, keyboard, printer, etc.), and enter the level of havoc
you'd like to wreak (ranging from mild nuisance to total neutering).
Next, enter your skill level (novice, intermediate, advanced, or
psycho-destructo cat), and the level of repercussion you're willing
to endure (from scolding and grounding to swift kick and permanent
banishment from the home office). Finally, click on the Shut 'em
Down button, and you'll then be treated to beautiful step-by-step
multimedia demonstration of how to do your dirty work.
The Destructo counter keeps track of all the progress you've made
in laying your plans and then executing them. You can also
compare your accomplishments with the masters' by entering the Hall
of Shame, which contains statistics of some of the best high-tech
breakage of all time as well as photos documenting the dirty work of
techno cats around the world. You can also upload pix of your
achievements onto the How Things Break Web site by following the
upload links under the Complete Guide to Neutering Your Human's
Computer category. Maybe your handiwork will be featured for all
your friends and family to view and appreciate!
And, while you're mastering the skills necessary to vandalize
your human valets' computer gear, you can think about how you might
apply your new destruction techniques to other smashing
missions. Yes, the Complete Guide to Neutering Your Human's
Computer will pay for itself many times over as you cost your humans
thousands of dollars and endless hours of frustration and grief.
Whoever said that life was all work and no play?
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Sartorial Splendor
Mates,
Now that the
offspring of our human valets are getting ready to go back to
school, they'll be buying bags full of new, stylish outfits. That
means we'll have to work hard, between now and September, to ruin
their garments.
We'll begin by tearing holes in their
socks. That's very important, because -- if you tear three
holes of just the right size, at just the right intervals - the
human children can place their socks inside their loose-leaf binders
once they've organized them according to size, shape, and color.
While we normally don't like to see humans organized, we do make
exceptions for the young 'uns; it makes it twice as much fun to
throw their belongings into disarray once they grow up.
We continue by ruining specific articles
of clothing. Here, we break into teams. Long-haired cats (and
felines with particularly sharp claws) are encouraged to shed on,
and then shred, sweaters, vests, and jackets. Short-haired
felines can stick with the more routine tasks of defacing blue
jeans, t-shirts, and hats.
From my command post, I'll offer
directions and keep the campaign on course. By the time the young
humans get back to their classrooms, they won't have one brand-new
garment to call their own.
And that's just the way we like it.
Right, mates?
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Food
Scraps
1. How often does your human valet eat like a slob and drop food
on the floor?
2. On average, how many pieces of food do you find under the
table each night?
3. What percentage of the food falls into the following
categories: A. protein, B. carbohydrate, C. starch?
4. On average, how much foraging time do you have before the
humans break out the broom or vacuum cleaner?
6. How many different recipes could you make with the droppings
after a typical meal?
7. How many of these treats do you suppose your humans would
enjoy, if you offered to do the cooking for them?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. The eldest in my litter has
been accepted to the leading business schools in the country, but
has decided instead to open a catnip concession stand on the local
boardwalk. My spouse and I are both company cats and have dedicated
our lives to climbing the rungs. As execu-cats, we're devasted by
little Beepop's decision. Would you consider talking some sense into
him?
A. A. For your
information, that's how I started my career in business. My father,
too, wanted me to go to B-School, but I opted for the real thing,
opening a sparkling toilet water stand at the local park. From
there, I began importing authentic hairball crafts from Iceland.
Then I hit the big time when I bought a whisker replacement company
and later started the Whisker Club for Cats. Where do you suppose
I'd be if I'd gone to business school? I'd probably be punching
someone else's clock in an investment bank or leeching off a BDC
(big dumb company) as a management consultant. Instead, I've made
millions, and so can little Beepop. And by the why, I'm not only the
president of Whisker Club for Cats, I'm also a member and the chief
stockholder. Meow to you, too!
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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