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TOP NEWS STORY
FELINE ENTREPRENEURS PROFIT FROM AIRLINE DELAYS
Denver, CO The unprecedented airline delays
have most species -- except cats -- frothing at the mouths. While
humans skulk around airports waiting for flights and picking fights,
and dogs pad around nipping at each other's tails, airport-based
feline businesses are taking off. According
to Tunacious Pattatummy, president of the powerful Feline
Air Passenger's Association (FAPA), "These are boom times for enterprising cats.
Which is most of us. When the chips are down,
leave it to cats to find an imaginative way
out."
At Denver International Airport, for
example, feline entrepreneur Kosmic Fleechee has made a hit with his
Snoozerama. For three dollars an hour, felines on delayed flights
can drop into a basket with a soft blanket and catch some Zs while
listening on headphones to their choice of classical, folk, jazz or
rock music, or sounds of stranded birds and rodents.
And in Chicago's O'Hare, Fleebus J.
CheezeBuster has another booming business: Rabbit Run. For
$14.50 an hour, felines can watch rabbits eat, sleep, and run
through mazes. (We think it's very entertaining and education for
the kittens.)
Across the country in New York at Kennedy
International, felines on delayed flights can prowl freshly stocked
dumpsters and pay by the pound for whatever edibles they discover.
(Fleebus originally set up shop at LaGuardia, but shifted to Kennedy
when he discovered that at LaGuardia garbage is free and served up
to all members of every species, whether they want it or not.)
Finally, at Boston's Logan International
Airport, where waiting for delayed flights has been a way of life
for years, Whistling Wonka has created a giant aquarium stocked with
tasty, tropical fish. Felines can rent fishing poles or nets,
diving suits, and even submersible submarines, to catch layover
snacks. Wonka boasts, "We like to fill our customers' stomachs
because, once they finally board that plane, they'll probably be
sitting on the tarmac for 2 to 3 hours before the in-flight 'meal'
arrives."
Says Tunacious Pattabelly, FAPA is very
excited and would like to thank the major airlines for providing so
many wonderful new entrepreneurial opportunities. And we, as
frequent feline flyers, would like to express similar thanks to all
the feline businesses for enlivening our trips.
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BOOK REVIEW
20-MINUTE GOURMET RECIPES FOR BUSY FELINE
EXECUTIVES
Fried mouse fajitasÖchicken corden blechÖtrash-flavored
moth wings. You can turn them all into one-bowl
meals. You're probably already salivating like a dog in a
Pavlovian experiment and thinking, "If only I weren't so busy running
my company, I could enjoy home cooking every night." Well, think
again. Now there's no excuse for dining out and eating sludge, thanks
to Chef Meeper Dinkchopp. Host of the new hit television series,
The Pouncing Gourmet, Chef Meeper Dinkchopp has created the
ultimate guide for those who want quality food but just don't have the
time for complex recipes or cooking techniques. As the great Chef
says, "Anybody can cook satisfying meals, in no time at all, by
following my simple directions. One bowl will do it." So look it up,
and then lick it up!
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#2654 Go AwayÖWhen You Please! Do you need to get away? Let Meowface Travel
plan the perfect trip. Our agency specializes in arranging jaunts to
fulfill any feline's fantasy. First, we'll plan an escape from your
home. Past clients have opted to slip out a door, smash open a
window, or simply beam into another dimension; we'll explore the
possibilities, and let you decide. Then we'll select a vacation spot
that meets your recreational needs: a garage full of rodents, a tree
made for climbing, a crack in the foundation where you can nap
without being seen, and the like. Finally, when you're ready
to return, we'll provide amplification for your MEOW so that your
human valet can come pick you and transport you back home. Meowface
Travel. Where would you be without it?
#4399 Earn Thousands
$$$ Each Week from Home!!! Do you have idle time and sharp
claws? Then you're in the prime position to make some serious money
by becoming a Certified De-knitter. Once you take the course and
pass the exam, you'll receive a weekly supply of knitted and
crocheted items to be disassembled. We buy heirlooms and ratty
clothing, and turn the goods into fresh balls of yarn. That vile
sweater Aunt Gertrude gave the human valets? It's history. The dog's
foul-smelling afghan? Gone, washed, and wound. We pay by the skein.
Apply today!
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New Restaurant Review
Things Are Swinning at
Flushy's Pub and Dip
Feline
Horoscopes!
Are you a
Brisket? Hambonus? Tunicorn?
Click Here to Find Out
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
Click here
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
When a
human valet, whose lap is serving as my bed, gets up without my
permisssion to grab a snack, answer the phone, go to the bathroom,
or do any of the inconsequential things that humans spend most of
their time doing. Whatever happened to the good old days when
human valets understood their place in the world, and asked for MY
permission before arising? Just wait until my next unlapping. I'll
teach those humans to sit all day long, if that's my pleasure. Now
sit down and let me get some sleep.
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
I read with interest your response to Shelly, the Cat with No
Hair. (Editor's note: Our faithful readers will remember that
Shelly's human valets gave her an unauthorized, and embarrassingly
bad, hair cut. Felinadonna suggested a quick hair replacement
technique.)
While I think your advice was great, I'd like to point out that
being hairless is not all bad. I am a hairless cat--a Sphinx to be
precise--and I was born with no hair. My owners just adore me and
think I am the neatest thing around. I have a drawer full of
sweaters that my mother has knitted for me. I get a warm soapy bath
once a week in the kitchen sink (with treats afterward if I
behave!). I even have a heating pad on the top shelf of my kitty
tree. When my owners pet me, they can go in both directions without
mussing my fur--twice the petting in half the time. When I drink out
of the toilet and accidentally fall in, it's no big deal. AND, best
of all, I get to sleep under the bed covers at night!
I NEVER barf up hairballs. I NEVER get locked in the basement
when those "allergic" people come to visit. I NEVER get busted for
jumping on the kitchen counter or table, since I don't leave any
tell-tale fur lying around.
Shelly should have a heart-to-heart talk with her owner and
demand that, if she is going to cut her fur, she should provide her
with the luxuries a hairless cat deserves. And tell her to get rid
of that ball on the end of her tail, for heaven's sake!
So you see, Felinadonna, there are many great advantages to being
hairless. Now if someone could just invent a Wonderbra for cats, I'd
be all setÖsigh.
Fondly,
Purrcilla
Dear Purrcilla,
As my human colleague, Dear Abby, would say, "your answer was
better than mine." Thank you for your insights, and I'm sure
our readers will be grateful for your words of fur-related
wisdom. We'll admit that bald can, in fact, be beautiful, and
in more ways than one.
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Life Without Humans
Feline Fantasies Software
Windowsill 9x,
2000, Mac
Category: Simulations
3 Claws
Have you ever imagined what
life would be like without humans? Sure we need them at mealtime.
But what about the rest of the time? Now you can virtually eliminate
humans from your existence with Life Without Humans from Feline
Fantasies Software. (Bias disclosure: one of our lead columnists,
Miss Hissy, has served a consultant for Felines Fantasies Software.
Please factor that in after reading this review.)
To begin, simply copy
digital photos of your human valets onto your hard disk (or you can
select stand-in people from the software's generous clipart library,
which also includes stock images of dogs, fish, houseplants, and
other household objects). Next, upload pictures of your
favorite rooms. And, finally, add the latest virtual pictures
of yourself and your family members to your hard drive.
Use the built-in wizards to
recreate scenes of your home, the way it exists now. Place felines
and items such as humans and furniture in their usual spots. For
example, you might place your avatar in the laundry hamper.
Your human valet might be cleaning your litterbox.
Now comes the fun part.
Using your delete key, eliminate the humans, one by one. Each time a
person departs, you'll see a clever animated sequence, featuring a
stork that tosses the selected person into a pumpkin patch. The
human will dissolve before your eyes. A soundtrack, which
accompanies the little cartoon, features nearly-human gasps, sighs,
and expletives (not recommended for kittens under 2 months). You
also have the option of setting built-in timers so that humans can
return when it's time for meals or litterbox cleaning. If you choose
to do the chores yourselves, however, you can stay human-free for
the duration of the game.
Once all the humans are
gone, you can rearrange the home so that it rivals your best
fantasy. Where's your litterbox? On the counter, next to your food
bowl. And your catnip toys? Why, look at that -- they're on the
dining room table, on the satin tablecloth! After you've designed
the scenes, you can place yourself where you've always wanted to be:
on top of the printer, inside the china cabinet, or wherever your
imagination takes you.
Unfortunately, while you can
design an endless number of fantasies, the software supplies only
one ending. Ultimately, at the end of the game, all the humans
reappear and the screen goes dark. So, even though you can come
within a paw's length of the perfect life, you still have to deal
with the disappointing reality: humans are as inevitable as taxes.
On the brighter side, the publisher promises to address this
shortcoming in the next release.
So is what would life be
like without humans? If you can stand a bit of disappointment, boot
up a copy of the disk, and you'll find out.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Hole in One!
Mates,
IIn the world of breakables, there's one object that stands alone
as the most tempting: the window screen.
Summertime, at our home, means open windows. And, whenever a window is
open widely enough, and the human steps out of the room,
there exists the possibility of BREAKING OUT!
You see, putting a paw through a screen is simple. A kitten could do it. The
real art involves enlarging the hole when the human isn't around so that
you can leap through it at will, and then closing the
flap behind you again so they'll never know. This is where chewing
gum from the teenagers comes in handy. (See? Humanoid creatures at that
odd age actually are good for something. That's also why I always
look up when walking under the table and grab wads stuck
beneath the table and chairs after meals.)
Window screen breaking has truly enriched my life
this summer, and afforded me the opportunity to meet new warriors all
over the neighborhood. Of course, I've recruited many of the finest
felines in town for future smashing missions.
Hey, who says
that breaking out is hard to do?
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Human Sleep
Sounds
1. How
many different sounds do your human valets make while they're asleep?
2. Of those, what percentage would you classify as disgusting?
3. On average, what is the decibel level of the noises?
4. From
what part of their bodies do the sounds most frequently emanate?
5. What percentage of those sounds cause you to have nightmares?
6. What percentage
of them inspires you to wear ear pugs? Or nose plugs?
7. How much money could you make selling
human sound recordings to a wild animal show or for nature
documentaries?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. I recently attended a seminar in which
the instructor suggested that all of the workers at my company wear
t-shirts that say "I love my job." He promised an increase in
productivity, so I invested thousands of dollars in the shirts and
slogans. Now my employees refuse to wear them. What should I do?
A.
Buy more t-shirts with THIS slogan: "Wear this or you're
fired."
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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