I am so embarrassed. My owner had all my hair cut off because I throw up hairballs on her rug. Now I look like a lion. The hairdresser left a ball on the end of my tail and left the hair on my head. I used to have very beautiful long black and white hair. Even the birds are laughing at me when I go out on my patio. What should I do? And my owner is going to have it cut again in 2 months. I'm thinking of buying Barbie clothes. What do you think?

Thanks,
Shelly the cat with no hair 


Dear Shelly the Cat with No Hair,

There are worse things in life than having all your fur cut off, but frankly, right now, I can't think of any. Here's a strategy for you: fight fur with fur. Collect your recently shed hairs from the carpet, furniture, and human valets' clothing. Spread out the hairs in a nice patchwork pattern on a hard surface. Then knock over a bottle of white glue and roll in it (or wrap yourself in double-stick tape).  Once adequately sticky, lie down on your collection of hair and roll three times to the left, then one time to the right. Perfect - only your hairdresser will know for sure that you're wearing faux fur!
 

It's every feline's dream: you take control of Bowser's brain and control his body movements -- as you see fit.  Get Along Little Doggie is the next best thing; you drive, Bowser moves. If you don the supplied Virtual Reality goggles, you'll practically smell dog breath wafting from your computer's air vents.

Setup is a breeze - just pop the CD into your drive and accept the defaults. Then choose which type of dog you'd like to drive. The CD covers almost every breed, from Chihuahuas and miniature poodles to St. Bernards and Bull Mastiffs. You can choose by size, temperament, and relative intelligence. In addition, the software allows you to pick a variety of settings, from urban and suburban to country and wilderness.

Once you pick a dog, I'd strongly recommended that you do a test drive, so you get used to working the keys. F1 through F5 emit sounds ranging from a nice, friendly bark to a menacing growl. F6 is the whining key; use it only in extreme emergency situations, such as when Bowser must visit the vet or the humans go off to work.

Motions are activated by using the CTRL keys plus an alpha-numeric key, such as CTRL + "W" for walk forward or CTRL + "B" to walk backward. For most breeds, you can walk, run, sit, lie down, beg, roll over, and raise a hind leg. By using the Alt key alone, you can also control fine motor movements, such as biting, paw shaking, and pulling ears back. The ALT + "D" key combination is very cool -- it initiates various drooling routines; hold down ALT + "D" and a number key (1 through 5), and you can progressively turn a slick of drool into a slobbering gush of saliva.   

Once you feel competent enough to drive your pooch, pick a setting and level of action, then see what happens! In the urban or suburban scene, you might find yourself in a park, where you can chase a squirrel or bird, consecrate dozens of fire hydrants, or slobber on the feet of park bench sitters. But be careful! You might also find yourself running from a band of well-armed commando alley cats or the local dog catcher. In the wilderness, you can snooze, chase butterflies, or suddenly find yourself confronted by a hungry bear or moose with only your canine wits and four paws for protection.  

If you're really daring, choose the surprise game, where you'll find yourself in a yard fenced in on three sides. To get back into the house, you have to click on one of three doors. One door has food, another has a luscious mate, and the third ÷ who knows? Do you have the guts to find out what's behind door #3?

Time on the Internet

1. How much time do you spend surfing the Net each day?
2. How many sites do you visit per day, and how many minutes do you spend on each site?
3. How many of your favorite sites would you call human-friendly?
4. What percentage of human-friendly sites are even worth logging onto at all, if you're a discriminating feline?

A.  First calm down, and take a nap. There's nothing that a good cat nap won't cure. Then show some guts, and walk onto the factory floor and make an announcement like: "OK, folks, I know you're upset and this looks bad. You do the work and the, er, fat cats get all the money. But that's gonna change, right now. From now on, we'll implement feline empowerment, and you guys will decide on everything.  Let's start right now. Did you know we're getting a new aquarium? We'll take a vote on whether or not it should have a top. Once you've made that decision, we want you to weigh in on what species of ants should fill our new ant farm, and how often we should plunge into it for snacks. And then let's talk about the color of the new catnip dispensers that will be placed on the shop floor." If there's any residual rebellion, announce that free tuna fish will be available in the cafeteria - the worker cats will decide whether it should be packed in water or in oil. Any questions? Good. Pleasant snoozing!