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Coughed Up July 24, 2000
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TOP NEWS
STORY
Fargo, ND. Just hours after the prestigious Feline International Physics Institute (FIPI) announced the discovery of "topu nucleo," a long sought-after subatomic particle, Dr. Pogo Pazinsky, the Institute's chief spokescat, made a stunning admission. "It's gone!" he howled. "Our little topu is missing! Years of hard work and millions of research dollars have just gone out the window! Meow! Meow!! MeOWWWWWW!" Within hours of the shocking news, FIPI was swarming with investigators from the FBI, NSA, CIA, and even alphabet agencies no one has ever heard of - such was the magnitude of the crime. While the investigation is under a deep security blanket, an unnamed source from the local sheriff's department did blurt this out to the media: "Such a dastardly - and artful- engineered crime - could only be the handiwork ofÖSlip Purry Cloz." (For readers who haven't been following The Morning Hairball's Daily Scoop - shame on you - Slip Purry Cloz is the internationally-famed calico cat implicated in the theft of hard disks containing nuclear secrets from the Los Alamos labs and, more recently, in the purloining of copies of Howard Pawser and the Gallons of Enchanted Goldfish, just days before the book could be legally read by anyone.) DNA tests of pee on two geranium petals tacked to the wall - Cloz's alleged crime signature -- will confirm whether or not the elusive miscreant was involved in the theft of the topu nucleo subatomic particle. While Cloz has yet to be convicted by any court of law for anything, largely due to the brilliant work of his lawyer, F. Flea Tailey, snitches at a seedy catnip-and-toilet-water joint claim to have overheard Cloz bragging about the particle theft. To confirm the allegation, the Morning Hairball went underground and sent a fearless reporter to meet with Cloz after a night of nipping and slurping. Though suspicious at first, Cloz eventually warmed up to our reporter and began boasting of his exploits. The following is an excerpt from the conversation, which was broadcast to a tape recorder from an ultraminiature microphone that the reporter tucked into a fake whisker. Hairball Reporter: "So, uh, Slip - may I call you Slip, Mr. Cloz? - why'd ya do it. Why'd ya go for one of the most important scientific discoveries of the century?" Cloz: "Sure, call me anything you like. As an internationally famous cat burglar, it's my duty to appear in high-profile heists. Credibility is critical, you know." Hairball Reporter: "I see. Beyond the PR and image value of the crime, was there anything about the subatomic particle that particularly intrigued you?" Cloz: "Absolutely. It looked like it would be FUN to play with. And, in fact, it was. Subatomic particle soccer is actually more fun than milk jug cap soccer. The only problem was the darn thing was so small it kept getting lost between my third and forth claws." Hairball Reporter: "Do you plan to return the particle to FIPI?" Cloz: "I will, I think, next week. I'm going to mail it back with an anonymous note telling them they should be more careful about leaving their subatomic particles lying around their labs after hours." Hairball Reporter: "How will they find it in the envelope?" Cloz: "No problem; I'll put the subatomic particle on a sticky note with an arrow pointing to it." Even though no charges have yet been brought against his client, lawyer F. Flea Tailey is already working on an airtight defense. "If Cloz could play with it, pluck it from between his toes, and affix a sticky note to it," says Tailey, "he had to have seen it, right? And if you can see it, then it ain't subatomic. Case closed." When asked about the so-called crime signature, the pee on the geranium petals, Tailey quickly dismissed the act as that of a copycat criminal. "Besides," he says, "In some cultures that's how male cats impress their bosses and girlfriends. Could have been anyone." Finally, when probed about the pending DNA test, Tailey scoffed, "A DNA test is only as conclusive as the lawyer you hire. Good lawyer - no fear from DNA tests."
DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
#9383 Got a delinquent kitten who needs to be spun into shape?Have you tried everything to get your misguided young cat back on the path to good citizenship and responsibility? Sometimes, you need a helping paw. That's where Bootsie Camp for Wayward Kittens can help. We'll provide the structure, discipline, and direction you apparently failed to give your kittens. In fact, we'll do such a good job that you may not even recognize your kittens when they return. If you thought all hope was lost, and you'd never live to see the day when your kitten would meow, "Yes SIR," and "Yes MA'AM" and mean it, then you haven't seen the Bootsie Camp counselors in action. We don't guarantee that our methods will result in uninjured pride or limbs. However, we do promise to return your kittens with brand-new buzz cuts, ship-shape uniforms, and perfect posture. So what are you waiting for? Sign your kittens over to us for 6 weeks this summer and get set to preside over the most disciplined litter on the block! #7432 Duds for Cat Burglars.Admit it: Even if you're not a thief, you'd love to prowl the streets like a cat burglar. Now you can, with the Stealth Kitty Camouflage Kit. The kit provides everything you need to blend into any surroundings, from forests and alleys to vinyl sided houses and your neighbors' back yards. With the camouflage kit, you can prowl around for weeks on end, and nobody can say a word. Best of all, you can't be induced to return home, stay out of trouble, or keep your paws to yourself. What could be better than to finally have the invisibility you've been craving? Allows you to play great practical jokes, as well. (Note: the manufacturers of the Stealth Kitty Camouflage Kit do not condone inappropriate uses, such as sneaking into litterboxes earmarked for the opposite gender. Prior to sale, you must sign an affidavit that will use the supplied camouflage for legitimate pursuits, such as hunting, dog evasion, and cat burglary. Your honor is at stake.)
BOOK
REVIEW
Want to impress your friends next time they're over for milk and crickets? Then be sure to have a copy of Great Cats in History on your catnip table. This lovely gold-leaf edition contains a magnificent collection of etchings, lithographs, and photos depicting the most influential felines of all times. You'll find reproductions of paintings and busts of the powerful warriors and conquerors who shaped the geopolitical boundaries of the modern world, including Genghis Cat, Julius Caeserscratch, and Napoleon Bonamousekiller; explorers of new worlds and oceans like Ferdinand Columbocat and Gasspill DeFurball; inventors and scientists like Thomas Eddycat, Alleycat Einsteiner, Sir Hiccup Mewton, and Lucky da Pinci. You'll also learn about a number of vastly under-appreciated innovators who improved the quality of life for cats everywhere, like Floppso Dizzycat, who discovered the therapeutic properties of catnip, and Katrina Kopernicus, the first female astrologer of the Western world. Each page of Great Cats in History is a standalone masterpiece, worthy of framing. The four-color artwork is exquisite, and the typefaces were clearly designed with old-world pride and mastery. However, the book does have its flaws. For example, we wonder why the editor choose to include Pawza de Leon but overlooked Purrdinand Majelly? And why does Fleazer Augustus rate a whole chapter, whereas Attila the Cat only gets a two-line mention? We suspect a bias somewhere, but try as we might, we can't figure out what it might be. And that seriously bugs us. Despite its shortcomings, Great Cats in History will undoubtedly impress your guests. They may even spend so much time pawing through the pages that you'll have time to clean up your home, wash the dishes, and prepare the meal for your next dinner party before the evening is through. You'll doubtless want to buy enough copies to occupy each potentially annoying guest who comes to visit. MOVIE REVIEW Pawsy and Furwinkle Two claws down Question: How do you make a funny movie with a fat aviator cat who's suffering from severe depression and a mid-life crisis because he hasn't flown or been on television for 20 years; a moronic Maine Coon with gargantuan ears who, despite having an IQ of 26 has a penchant for coming out on top; and three slimy sewer rats? Answer: You don't. OK, the special effects held our attention for a few minutes; the idea of seamlessly integrating animated humans with live cats and rats is artistically interesting, albeit vaguely unnerving. But predictable slapstick and tired jokes wear thin very quickly, what with perfunctory stepping on tails, falling in toilets while whetting whistles, hackneyed punch lines like "it crossed the road so it could chomp on the human's ear," and the like. Worse, though is the plot - if you could call it that - which is so dumb it would insult even a dog. The sewer rats are going to take over the world by sabotaging the major makers of kitty litter; the product will contain an irritant, and cats everywhere will refuse to heed the call of nature, creating the risk of a global explosion and subsequent brown out. If the humans agree to provide the three rats with a lifetime supply of fresh cheese and garbage, then the rats will press a button and neutralize the irritant. Through a combination of massive bungling and ineptitude, the unlikely heroes foil the plot, and the rats are sent to a federal prison where they're forced to sleep in freshly-made beds with clean sheets and pillowcases every night and dine on non-spoiled food. Yawn. If your kittens drag you to this one, plan on catching a good 90-minute snooze. |
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