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Coughed Up July 14, 2000
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STORY
New York, NY Coming on the heels of a disappointing summer at the box office, the major media corporations are bracing themselves for viewer reaction to the fall television line up. "The audiences are getting too darn sophisticated," groused Bartholomew Teetotal, head of programming for FBN, the Feline Broadcasting Network. "They actually want shows with substance," Teetotal continued. "I think feline entertainment is going to the dogs." Some of the new prime time hopefuls include: The ALL NEW Furry Springer Show. The concept is the same as the original, but the stakes are upped. Panelists and audience members will be expected to bring their own litterboxes and scoops, then fling the contents at each other when things get hot. Could be amusing. The Purgative. This is clearly a rip-off of the old Fugitive show. In this story, an Angora cat is wrongly accused of throwing up on a priceless painting at the New York Museum of Modern Art. He is sentenced to five years of hard labor, and his only hope is to catch the real perpetrator, a look-alike Angora who is missing his tail. Not a bad concept for a single episode, but after an entire season of it, we may not be wagging our tails. The Alley Cat B.O. Show. As the title implies, this program is about an alley cat with paw-pit odor; the dramatic tension centers around whether anyone will have the nerve to tell the star about her problem. Dubious, but we've seen - and smelled -- worse. Snoozin. Talk about a high-concept program! Each week, six cats will sleep for an entire hour. Hmmm. This seems like a sure-fire hit. The Pouncing Gourmet. Chef Meeper DinkChopp demonstrates healthy but tasteful cooking using special combinations of road kill and condiments from top gourmet stores. Filmed remotely on highways across every continent in the world, this show promises to entertain and inform. The big question is whether or not Meeper DinkChopp can compete with the All-Cat Food Network's popular celebrity cook, Emew Live for the Ninth Time. We think: maybe.
Broadcasters with shows for kittens are especially skittish, given all the backlash against kitten programming. "It's been a travesty," declares Rolf Kneader, head of the Coalition for Kitten's Television. "Our kittens have been subjected to mind-numbing trash that teaches nothing but winning through brute force. They need to be taught that not all conflicts can be resolved with scratching and biting. Hissing and running worked fine in my day."
To appease CKT and other activist organizations, several broadcasters are introducing shows that model better feline behavior and focus on the feline intellect. Dodo Dog, for example, will feature a (surprise) dodo dog who is easily tricked by kittens into robbing butcher shops and fishmongers, and turning over the goods to worthy cats before turning himself into the police. "Kittens also adore classic shows like Poppyseed Street and Blarney," claims Kneader. "Granted, full-grown cats HATE these do-good programs. But, to be a responsible parent, a cat has to make some compromises."
DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
# 4342 Real Cakes for Real Cats. We all know that
human-made, store-bought cakes just don't cut it. That's why you need the
folks from Cake Walkers International for birthdays and other special
events. Here's how it works. Bake and frost a cake with ingredients of
your choosing. Then call up CWI to request the finishing touches that only
a cat could desire. Within 15 minutes, a team of professional cake walkers
will be in your house, ready to decorate the dessert as only a cat can.
They'll first use advanced laser-based measuring tools to determine the
diameter of the cake, within 2 millimeters. Next, using a special
spectrometer, they'll analyze the density of the frosting. The CWI team
will then offer you options, based on the specs of your cake. You can have
the traditional pattern, which entails walking along the top edge of the
cake either in a straight line or a pigeon pawed pattern. You can also opt
for a classical hopping design. Feeling artsy? How about a subtle tail
swish across the center of the cake? Or get real loose and crazy and
request random patterns; our cake walkers stand on their hind legs and
randomly bop the sides and top of the cake with varying degrees of force.
It's a skill. It's an art. It's a joy to behold. And it shows that you
care -- no two cakes are alike! All cakewalkers are bonded and certified
to have no litter between their toes. We charge by the layer as well as
claw impressions. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Uneaten cake
must be returned in its original box for a partial refund. No exceptions
made. Barfed up cake slices not accepted under any circumstances. # 2454 Turn the household dog into a mobile garden
salad. Your vet has probably told you to eat more greens. But
you're also probably tired of having to going outside to get the suggested
RDA levels of grass, herbs, and flowers. Here's a solution: have the
foliage come to you! The ingenious Doggone Organic Toupee has everything
you need to grow a luscious garden on Bowser's head -- seeds, soil,
mini-rake and trowel, and spill-proof water can. Some of our customers
report harvesting enough greens for a whole litter of hungry felines. The
secret is the sculpted cranial planter helmet that keeps the dog's head
from getting wet or from being tickled by the growing roots; made of
space-age ultra-lightweight materials, the dog will never know he's got
anything on his head, let alone that he's serving as a roving salad bar!
When you're ready for lunch or a sprig, just stand on a piece of furniture
and blow the supplied dog whistle. When the pup runs over, just bite off
the clover. Nothing could be easier! (Note: when ordering, specify breed
and size for the cranial planter. You'll get the best results if you can
make and send along a plaster cast made while the dog is sleeping. Write
for easy instructions.)
GreenLitter Press It's finally here, amidst more hoopla than a Roman circus: the fourth installment of the Howard Pawser series. The big question, of course, is: will Howard eat Blorch, the evil goldfish and save the school, or will everyone - including the hero and his plucky friends - be turned into sardines? Pawser and his cronies obtain a secret copy of a forbidden book that explains how Blorch used to be a nice goldfish but was flushed down the toilet with none other than the mean ancestors of the litter that adopted Howard after Howard's parents were abducted by aliens. Blorch lived in the sewer system and became craftier, nastier, and smellier for two decades, then acquired sorcerer's powers and placed a hex on Howard's parents, causing them to invent a magical but dangerous game of broomstick soccer which, coincidentally, their son would grow up to adore. Ah, but in His Enchanted Gallons of Goldfish, Howard learns Blorch's secret and understands that, as soon as he finds an appropriate recipe, he must eat a goldfish steak or be eaten himself. Unfortunately, Blorch is the only athlete who understands the complicated rules of broomstick soccer well enough to coach Howard, who has been nominated by a bronze-plated statue to represent his country in a world championship match. Thus, Blorch cannot be eaten until after the match, by which time our hero could be transformed into a sardine sandwich - or into the Most Valuable Broomstick Soccer Player in the world. As it turns out, Howard Pawser & His Enchanted Gallons of Goldfish is one million, nine hundred sixty-eight thousand, five hundred sixty-eight pages of unlikable characters, unspeakable dangers, and unfathomable sporting matches. Yes, this book is violent. And, yes, it's full of gratuitous witchcraft and the glorification of evil human valets and their pet goldfish. But is it a good idea for your kittens to read this book? Yes, if you
can steal a copy for them. Those that can be legally purchased were sold
long ago. Therefore, we recommend breaking into your local bookstore after
everyone has gone home for the day and snagging a copy for your kittens.
For your kittens? Nah. You'll want to read it yourself to "to be sure it's
appropriate reading" for your offspring. Okay, admit it. You'll want to
read the book from cover to cover, even as your kittens are mewling for
just one look at the latest adventures of Howard Pawser. Otherwise, it may
be months before you can get your paws on a copy. NEW! MOVIE REVIEW CATIADOR Rating: NK-8 (not for kittens under 8 months due to graphic scratching) Looking for adventure? You might like the kind that Catdiator has to offer. The movie's special effects are convincing, with rat tails flying every which way and greyhounds pulling feline-laden chariots at Warp 3. Unfortunately, the brilliant dialogue is often overshadowed by the too-slick sets. (Although, we admit it is fun to see the actors in period costumes, such as leather sandals and armor tail ear plates. Respected actor Tassle Byrd was especially appealing in a toga, which showcased his furry chest and rippling abs.) Where the movie really sags, though is in the plot line; the logic is terribly convoluted. We think it went something like this: Pawsius, son of Emperor Clivus Multrum and third cousin, twice removed of Fleopatra and heir to the royal litterbox, offs his sire and attempts to flee the country disguised as a Chihuahua. He no sooner makes it to the border than he is captured by a giant guinea pig on steroids who's trying to revive the great Catdiator tradition. Before you can say "meow," Pawsius is conscripted into the Catdiator ranks and forced to fight the greatest rodent warriors of the day with nothing but bare paws and unfettered tail. Against all odds, he emerges victorious, at which point he is scratched by a rival emperor's very nasty step son, Freckles the Meanie, and forced to eat dog food for the remainder of his nine lives while working as a janitor in the local vomitorium. We don't want to give away the surprise ending, but
let's just say it took weeks to clean up the mess. Not for every cat on
the block. But those who like Catdiator reportedly went back to see it
more often than female kittens returned to see the Flea-o Dicatrio seaside
flick, Bitanic. |
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