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TOP NEWS STORY
15 Best Ways to Get Yourself Some
Turkey
Each year, The Morning Hairball
publishes an updated list of the most clever ways for cats to get
their fair share of fowl on Thanksgiving. Here's this year's
winners, culled from the suggestions we received:
1. Beg, borrow, or steal some.
2. Scoop up
dropped chunks from the floor under the table.
3. Entertain the
toddlers at the table; they're likely to reward you with their
leavings.
4. Con the dog into fetching some meat for you.
5.
Make a mournful mew, then lick your valets' lips when they bend down
to see what's wrong with little foofoo.
6. Hide in the trash can
so you can capture discards.
7. Catch a live bird yourself.
8.
Log onto the Internet and order one, using your human's credit card.
9. Make a papier-mâché bird, and substitute it for the real one
on the table.
10. Slip on a turkey costume, and run around the
dining room screaming "gobble gobble." While the humans chase you,
jump onto the table, swipe a bite of the bird, dive behind the
couch, shed the feathers, then put on that "It went thataway" look
when they finally move the furniture to grab you.
11. Play the
Bad Bird game. (See Sir Smashalot's column for details.)
12.
Sneak outside, and ring the doorbell. Run through your humans' legs
when they answer the door, do a four-point pounce on the table, and
exit stage left with a drumstick in your mouth.
13. Slip an
anonymous note onto the table demanding that a large chunk of turkey
be placed in your bowl, or the humans will enjoy a 3:00 am wake-up
call.
14. Don a trench coat, crawl out a window, ring
the doorbell, and scream out "FBI." When the humans answer the door,
say, "Ma'am, I'm investigating a rumor that the turkey on your
table is the one the
President recently pardoned in the annual Oval Office Thanksgiving ceremony. Turn
over the evidence now, or else!"
15. If all else fails, take a nap and DREAM about catching the
biggest, most succulent turkey that ever walked the earth. Maybe
next year at this time your fantasy will become a
reality!
Got any good ideas for
getting a little turkey this season? Write us at
editor@meowmail.com. There's
still time to publish it before Christmas!
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@meowmail.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#1234 Huh? What Mousehole? Doesn't it just
bend your whiskers when your human valet plugs up a perfectly good
mousehole and denies you the fun of indoor hunting? Now there's a
solution every cat can use to ensure uninterrupted mousing: Plug
& Play Covers. The Plug & Play kit consists of inserts
designed to fit typical mouseholes, from the classic inverted
U-shaped portals to the less symmetrical, but equally ubiquitous,
cracks in the wall. The inserts are made of hard foam, and ship with
a trimming knife and a palette of acrylic paints (glossy and
semi-gloss) for blending the Plug & Play Covers with the most
common baseboard and wall colors. Just trim the covers to the exact
size of your mousehole, paint to match the room, and insert the
covers into the wall or baseboard - your human will never even know
there's a mousehole in the house, let alone a mouse! At night,
simply use your claws to pry open the plugs, and let the fun begin.
Plug & Play Covers are even guaranteed; if your human discovers
one of your disguised mouseholes within 90 days after your purchase,
the Plug & Play Fun Company will send you a complete refund,
along with a bonus live mouse. (Note: Plug & Play can
create custom inserts for odd sized or extremely large mouseholes.
You can trace the holes on paper or borrow your human's digital
camera and snap a few pix, then send them off to Plug & Play. In
less than 10 business days, you'll receive a seamlessly-fitting
mousehole cover that would even confuse the rodents who live within
your four walls. The Plug & Play company really does live up to
its motto - "Every hole shall stay whole!"
#3439 Keep 'Em Dry! Remember when your mother told you to
beware of the germs you could catch in public litterboxes? Fear no
longer. Dry Tootsies are here. Made from a miracle new
liquid-repellant fabric, Dry Tootsies enable you to safely walk
where no feline has dared to tread - through puddles, into used
sand, and even through freshly-marked canine territories! Best of
all, they're completely transparent and conform perfectly to your
paws. No one will know you're wearing them - not even your
manicurist!. When you've stepped into something suspect, just peel
off the Tootsies, insert them into the supplied brown paper disposal
sack, and slip on another pair (collar and tail carrier packs
available in 5 different colors). Keep your nose high and your paws
dry -- get yourself a box of Dry Tootsies today! (Specify size:
petite, small, medium, large, x-large, abominable snowcat.)
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November Feline
Horoscopes!
Are you a
Brisket? Hambonus? Tunicorn?
Click Here to Find Out
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
When I've spent the entire morning
dislodging a thread from the couch or the curtains, or a length of
yarn from an afghan, and THEY come along and snip it. Just like
that. Just in the prime of its playing life. What wanton disrespect
for my labors! Maybe tonight while they sleep I'll dislodge
something of great value to them. Ha. Snip that!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmail.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
Last week, I was at a reception at our local
art gallery and met a delightful (single) Tuxedo cat. We chatted
about our many shared interests - bird calls, deupholstering, milk
jug polo, gourmet cooking, scratch art, mouse decoupage, and the
like. Then -- I couldn't believe my whiskers -- he climbed on top of
a sculpture piece and SPRAYED!!! He later explained that he hadn't
been fixed and simply couldn't help himself. With all those cats in his space
he just had to claim his territory. He also admitted that he'd
always had a thing about spraying in public. Felinadonna, I was so
embarrassed I almost neutered him myself on the spot. Other than this one
foul trait, he's really quite delightful, and I'd love to start
dating him. Who knows where it could lead? Oh meow, meow! I'm so
conflicted. Please help me sort this out, Ms. Felinadonna.
Puddle Jumping in Poughkeepsie
Dear Poughkeepsie Puddle Jumper,
There, there, young'n, I know how hard it is to find a good male
cat these days when there are so many bums walking the alleys. And
it is a scientific fact that Tuxedo cats do tend to have, shall we
say, EXCESS hormones. But if you have serious plans for this
relationship, you really need to pop the BIG question early in the
game: will he commit and let you make an appointment at the vet for
him? If he does, you'll have the makings of a great relationship. If
not, you'll have to date him at the risk of further embarrassment.
(You might also want to get two pairs of Dry Tootsies -- see
classified 3439.) It's hard to be so direct early in a courtship,
but as my brilliant colleague Socratail always says, "the truth may
look and smell like a wet dog, but it will always set you
free."
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
What Color Is Your Litterbox, 2001
Electronic Edition
27-disc CD set
NineClaw
Press
BrokenWindows98, WindowsMeep 2000, WindowsBlast TNT
Rating: 1 claw
In the September 1, 2000 edition of The
Morning Hairball , my colleagues reviewed the annual print edition
of the venerable What Color is Your Litterbox 2000. And by and large, they did NOT like it. For the
most part, they thought the exercises were stupid and that the whole
concept was wearing thin. The good news is that the electronic
version is somewhat more fun to use, given all the pressable buttons
it supplies. The bad news is that it's just as boring and even more
stupid than it was in print.
Particularly annoying is the fact that
the software forces you to take the Minnesota MultiMousing
Personality Inventory and Flea Detection test. This takes half an
hour, and it's a real pain. You'll be asked questions like, "Have
you ever dreamed of faxing a photocopy of a tuna fish can label to a
lemur?"… "If you could be reborn, would you want to BE a lemur?" …
and "How many lemurs do you think it takes to change a lightbulb?"
Go figure.
Once you get passed the MMPIFD test,
things get a little more reasonable. A wizard walks you through the
Career Builder Profile (disks 2 through 11), and prompts you to
answer questions about your basic skills, work history, rodent
hunting prowess, litterbox sculpting abilities, amount of money
you'd like to make, highest level of management you aspire to,
willingness to work in a multi-species environment (including your
capacity to work with birds and mice for more than an hour without
attempting to eat them)…that kind of stuff.
Caution: Do NOT click the "Beats Me"
options for ANY of the skill-related questions. Otherwise, the
software will make you take the Tailbone & Spittle Standardized
Skills Assessment test, which requires NINE hours of painful
interrogation (plus 13 CD changes). My favorite Tailbone-Spittle
question was: "If you were stranded on a desert island with nothing
but a length of yarn, a dog biscuit, a can of depilatory foam, and a
broken door knob, how would you escape and return to civilization?"
I meditated on that one, but all I came up with was the conclusion
that whoever thought of the question had actually BEEN stranded on a
desert island and had gotten a little too much sun.
Back to the Career Builder Profile…Once
you've filled out the electronic form, you indicate the area of the
country where you'd want to work, your desired salary, perks,
required snooze time, frequency of feedings, and number of times you
plan to pee during the day. The software instantly connects to the
Internet and downloads a list of EVERY available job on the planet
that meet your criteria. Even those that aren't posted by anyone
yet! And supposedly the match will be perfect.
Sadly, it doesn't work. When I entered my
dream job profile, I received a list with 222,543 positions, of
which 222,532 were duplicates and ten were specifically for lemurs.
The one remaining job opening looked good, but when I called the
number, it turned out to be associated with a defunct cement
factory.
Needless to say, this program still has
some rough edges, and I cannot recommend it at this time. But we do
bow our tails to the publisher for attempting to take a useless
classic and try to press more cash out of it. Our career advice?
Keep your money in your wallet, and don't stop scampering down the
pavement looking for the perfect job.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Bad Bird!
Mates,
Ah,
Thanksgiving is a tough day, what with that lovely flambéed bird
sitting on the table and going to waste in human gullets. We all
know that humans are constitutionally incapable of properly enjoying
turkey - just look at how they pick at it with silverware rather
than simply getting their pathetic dull teeth around it and
shredding it with gusto!
So I thought to myself, "Sir
Smash, how will you get YOUR fair share of Thanksgiving carcass this
year?" So I went online and ordered a book called, "Turkey Snarfing
Techniques Throughout History," by Dr. Igot Fathaunches. I learned
that turkey snarfing was easy in the Middle Ages, because the humans
got so drunk during the meal you just had to hop on the table and
say you were from the Royal Health Department and needed to take a
large sample of the bird for DNA testing to make sure the fowl
wasn't on a hot list. And the dopes would believe you!
Today that argument doesn't
wash. But something about the--Health Department!--got my brain
gears churning and my tail bones whipping. Eureka! I knew what to
do! Just after everyone had taken a bite or two of turkey and
commented on its tenderness, moistness, and all that irrelevant
nonsense, I would leap onto the table, right by the cranberry sauce
or mashed potatoes. My human valets and their guests would be
totally caught off guard and immobilized by my brash
insubordination. Before they could let out a scream or grab my
midriff, I'd snarf a large bite of bird, then face the Head Valet,
stiffen up, stagger, shake my tail, make a meeping, gurgling sound,
stick out my tongue, go cross-eyed, then pretend to keel
over.
While all the humans rushed
out the door to get their stomachs pumped at the hospital, I'd
leisurely eat my way to the turkey bones. When the humans returned,
they'd be too weary from purging to notice that a) the turkey was
substantially smaller, and b) I was still quite alive and well. By
the next morning, it would all be forgotten.
Wish me well, mates. I have
my napkin tied around my neck, and I've practiced my eye crossing
and staggering routine till it scares even me. My own mother would
think I'd gotten into some very bad stuff! Here's to a great
stuffin…of me!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmash@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Thanksgiving
Gluttony
1. How many pounds of food did your
human valets consume on Thanksgiving day?
2. Of those, what
percentage did they really NEED to consume?
3. Did they
share their food with you?
4. If so, did you find the fare
a) better than usual b) about the same c) pretty
disappointing.
5. Now that the great feast is over, do you
see what all the fuss was about?
6. What was your favorite
part of Thanksgiving? a) Getting treats b) meeting new humans c)
when all the strangers left and you had your home to yourself
again.
7. Are your humans planning to eat more than two
turkey sandwiches, each, until the leftovers are all
gone?
8. How many meals of leftovers do you plan to indulge
in?
9. Who will get tired of the leftovers first - you or
your humans?
10. Next time your humans try to stop you from killing a bird, are
you ready for them?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Socratail's
"Mewslings"
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A question to ponder:
If fools KNEW they were fools, would they
still be dogs?
Talk back to Socratail: socratail@meowmail.com
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q. We're coming up on year end, and I just
discovered that my 2-month-old nephew confused the shoebox that
contained my various year 2000 receipts with the litterbox. Am I in
trouble if I get audited?
A. Why, you
lucky furball, you -- you're in the BEST possible shape for an
audit! Just dump the contents onto the tax examiners desk, and I
guarantee you'll be out of the office in record time. (If you're
concerned, you might invite your nephew back for a "refresher" the
night before the audit -- that will help ensure your audit is the
shortest in history!)
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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