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TOP NEWS STORY
ASTOUNDING MANUSCRIPT DISCOVERY STUNS FELINE LITERARY WORLD
Wellesley, Massachusetts. "Flea markets aren't
just good places to unload a pawpit full of infernal insects on the
sly," jokes Dr. Birchie Clawbone, Ratmuncher Professor of Feline Literature at Cambridge, Massachusetts' prestigious
Larva University, and author of the literary classic, 55 POST MODERN POEMS
TO PEE BY. "They can actually make you quite
rich!"
Clawbone, who
rarely jokes about anything, is probably feeling like he's just rolled around in
a pile of freshly-cat catnip because of the $25 million
windfall he inadvertently made after selling a rare manuscript
to Scratchaby's that he purchased for two dollars. The manuscript
was hidden in the false bottom of an old sea chest
that Clawbone bought for pocket change at a local flea market. (Clawbone's psychiatrist had instructed him to take up
a nerve-calming hobby like woodworking, so the nutty professor set out to
find an antique he could convert into a classy
litterbox.)
When Clawbone removed the bottom of the sea
chest to insert a plastic liner, he discovered a diary and
manuscript pawed by an unknown Manx writer, Hernia Smellville, whose
human valet was none other than the so-called literary giant, Herman
Melville.
So-called
literary giant? Yes. After submitting the manuscript and diary to
experts at Larva U.'s forensic science labs and learning of their
authenticity, Clawbone held a press conference during which he
made an announcement that will cause every professor of 19th century human
literature to swallow his or her curricula: (click here to continue)
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MOVIE REVIEW
The Sixth Claw
Okay, the theme is an old one - a kitten named
Bob (played by Harley Joe Cement) can see Martians that no one else
can, and ultimately discovers that he's actually a Martian himself.
But the Sixth Claw adds a few new twists, like the fact that Bob can
see Martians from the past and the future, as well as from the
present. Bob is befriended by a human valet (Bruce Whiskers) who
believes in his extraordinary abilities and seeks to nourish the
kitten's talents by feeding him chicken roll and caviar. Credibility
does get strained when Bob turns up his little warm pink nose at a
fresh can of chunk-lite tuna in oil when he is hypnotized by a
Martian and voluntarily steps into a bathtub full of water to
retrieve a catnip toy. Other than that, the action is hot and the
special effects dazzling. You can almost reach out touch a Martian
with your own sixth claw.
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DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@meowmail.com)
to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified
item number.
#9884 Open those floodgates!DAre you one of those cats who, during a stroll
through the park or a night on the town, can't answer a call to
nature when other felines are watching? Are you sick and tired of
feeling like you're going to explode? If so, you need a copy
of "Why Fluffy Can't Pee," by noted clinical psychocat Dr. Mice
Frothers. As you'll learn in Dr. Frothers's book/tape kit, we've all
been brainwashed by Western culture into thinking that peeing in
public is somehow nasty. In fact, in some cultures, public litterbox
usage is actually a performing art - tush wiggling and positioning
may actually have been the forerunner of modern ballet. Dr. Frothers
provides a 10-step approach to overcoming your inhibitions. The
deluxe version includes the book and 4 tapes: meditation on the
litterbox, music for peeing, soothing relaxation sounds, and an
affirmation tape ("I think I can, I think I can, I think I
can…ahhhh!!!"). Simply strap on your headphones, and pop in the
tapes, as instructed. In no time flat, you'll be relieving yourself
in public without a drop of hesitation.
(Note. Before ordering this book or book/tape
set, you'll need to sign a waiver in case you get arrested for
indecent exposure. Also we, at the Morning Hairball, think this book
and its author are total crocks, since we have never had a problem
peeing in public or anywhere else. So purchase at your own risk!)
#4564 Want to make
some extra money
for the holidays? Then steal some of your
humans' belongings, and bring them to Scruffies Pawn Shop and
Consignment Emporium. Jewelry, laptop computers, cell phones,
electronic organizers, and more can be traded for cold, hard cash or
gift certificates for some of the finest shopping establishments in
the country. Extended hours available until the year 2001 begins,
for your convenience. Ask for Scruffy Sellers, proprietor.
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New Restaurant Review
Eatin' High-Tech Style
Rodent King
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MeowMail Exclusives!
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ClawPak Printables
Collection #1
MeowMail stationary,
greeting cards, calendars,
and more!
Find out more and start your collection today!
Click here
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
Realizing that my humans never even bothered
to give me a first name! I had to turn to my friends, in the
MeowMail chat room, to get a moniker of my own. After much debate
and catfighting, we settled on a name that I consider lovely and
even melodic: Chrissy. So now, despite my thoughtless and
insensitive humans, I have a beautiful first name to go with my last
name. However, if any cat or human even considers using my first
name, I'll warn you: I was born Miss Hissy, and I'll remain Miss
Hissy to all except myself. Or you ain't heard hissing yet.
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Dear Felinadonna,
With
Halloween approaching, I'm
caught up in a terrible dilemma. For years, I've boycotted
the holiday because of all that mean hokum regarding cats and bad
luck. But my new boyfriend wants me to dress up, and join him for
a trash bash in the local alley. This guy is a sweet hunk, and I
could see this relationship developing into something serious. It would be
such fun, too
-- I was thinking of dressing up
like a reindeer by affixing tree branches to my ears with duct tape.
But then again, I feel it would be politically incorrect not to support my
sisters and brothers in an important movement to eradicate superstitions created by medieval
morons of the human persuasion. What should I do?
Betwixt and Between in Baltimore
Dear B&B in Baltimore,
This is, indeed, tricky. It's important to
stand up for your principles, which means doing what your heart
tells you is right and sacrificing for the greater good. On the
other paw, finding a hot date these days isn't easy. Too many of
them want to dig two wells at the same time, if you know what I
mean. So strap on those twigs and head on down to the alley!
Felinadonna
P.S. By the way, dearie, before applying the
duct tape, I'd recommend rubbing your ears with a mixture of linseed
oil and carrot juice - you'll minimize the risk of getting unsightly
split ends at the pointy tips.
Talk back to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Forge It! For Felines,
Platinum Edition
Big House Software
WindowsPaneintheButt 2000, WindowSill Litterbox
Edition (LE), Windowsill Mucous Edition (ME)
How many times
have you wanted to print a fake health inspector's license that you
can flash at your vets before announcing that your closing 'em down
for violating city ordinance 33243b: harboring animals with bad
breath? And how many times have you fantasized about mailing your
humans an authentic-looking Litterbox Cleaning House winners
certificate that lists, as a precondition for prize money
redemption, the need to purchase 25 cans of tuna fish, and then
return home, open the cans, and leave the house for six
hours?
Now you can have your fantasies and eat them,
too, with the Platinum edition of Forge It! For Felines. This
magnificent release of the venerable product contains hundreds of
ready-to-print templates that enable you to start pumping out great
looking bogus printed matter in just minutes.
You'll especially appreciate the wizard that
makes it a snap to choose the right template for the task at hand.
Looking for free grub? Just enter "free food," and you'll find a
great selection of fake mail-in coupons for all your favorite
brands. Looking for some innovative new ways to annoy your humans?
Type in "hiss 'em off," then choose from a drop-down list of options
such as fake parking tickets, phony credit card bills, or best of
all, a forged jury duty summons.
Our favorites arethose that you can use to get the dog
in trouble. For example, (click here to continue)
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: HALLOWEEN ESCAPE!
Mates,
I don't know about you, but I'm going stir crazy
and want to get my share of the free candy in the neighborhood this
October. Every attempt I've made to hit the great outdoors in
Halloween seasons past has been met with a foot across the door or a
pair of hands around my midriff. So this year, I have a plan. I'm
going to wear a lampshade over my head and pretend that I'm one of
the local human kids seeking goodies. I've been practicing walking
on my hind legs and have even scratched out a letter on my human's
computer. Here's what it
says:
Hi. I am a small human masquerading as a Cat
Lamp. On Halloween, I have a tendency to enter strangers' houses and
steal their valuables while they pass out food. Sometimes, I confuse
their bathrooms and livingrooms, too. Uh oh, I shouldn't have drunk
all that
coffee….
I figure that I'll hand it to my human valets
when an especially large crowd of urchins piles onto the front
porch. If that doesn't get me outside quickly, nothin'
will. Wish me
luck!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmash@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Driving
1. To the nearest dozen, how many parking
or speeding tickets have you received in your driving
career?
2. Is that greater than, equal to, or fewer than the
number of tickets your humans have received since you've known
them?
3. How many miles do you drive in an average
week?
4. How does that compare to the number of miles your
humans drive?
5. How many of those human-driven miles seem
to have no purpose (i.e., they're not shopping to buy you food or
toys)?
6. What percentage of the miles you drive are
similarly without justification?
7. How many car accidents
have you, personally, caused?
8. How does that compare to
the number of sloppy-driving accidents your humans have
caused?
9. How does your car insurance rating compare to
your humans'?
10. What percentage of the time do your
humans' cars fail their inspections? By comparison, how do your cars
fare?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ & PERSONAL FINANCE"
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Q.Now that the dotcom
and Internet frenzy seems to be over, am I, as a sophisticated
investor, to assume that we should be once again looking at P/E
Ratio and other fundamentals?
A. Absolutely. And the
fundamental thing to look at is the company's Chief Executive Feline
(CEF). For a while, we were all enthralled with the 2-month-old,
self-appointed wunderkittens who knew as much about running
companies as they did about snagging sunbeams. What imbecilic twits
they turned out to be, especially the ones from Larva University's
School of Business!
Now let's talk about the attributes of REAL Chief
Executive Felines, the kind that run companies worth investing in.
We'll start with vision. Does the CEF see at least two Martians a
day? If not, he/she is sleeping on the job. And speaking of sleep,
does he/she catch at least 23 hours of z's a day? No? Then don't
invest a nickel. No Chief Executive Feline can make quick decisions
in a state of sleep deprivation. Then there's ambition and
intestinal fortitude. Does the chief exec cat have cravings to eat
at least 14 times a day? If not, he/she is too lazy to do a good
job. Finally, there's iron will. If captured for a junket to the
vet's office, will the CEF use claw and tooth to avoid incarceration
in the carrier, no matter how many threats his/her human valet uses?
Meet these fundamentals in choosing your investments, and you'll
retire early. Ignore them, and you'll spend your golden years
tending the fry basket at Flushy's Pub & Dip.
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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