TOP NEWS STORY
FELINES FETCH HAPLESS HUMAN
Philadelphia, PA. Two local cats heroically rescued a large, male human from the top of a telephone pole. The cats, Basil and Crouton, were on the neighborhood dogwatch patrol when they heard cries for help. The cats selflessly doubled back to find a very large adult human cowering on the top of the dead tree. Basil tried to coax him down with gentle purring, while Crouton used a proven lure: a double cheeseburger with onions, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, and -- the ace in the hole -- bacon. Within seconds, the large human had slid down the pole and devoured his treat. Both heroes then lectured the large human on the unfairness of wasting feline resources on such outrageous escapades and warned him that this was the last time such rescue efforts would be made on his behalf. The large human promptly burped, and that was that.
DIGITAL FLEA MARKET
We cloak the identity of our advertisers to preserve confidentiality and dignity. Contact the Hairball editor (editor@hairball.com) to respond to any of our ads. Be sure to reference the classified item number.
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#5493 Experience Life Without Fleas - A Miracle of Modern Science! Ever wonder why cats in the space program are flea-free? Now, every feline can take advantage of the anti-flea weapon that NASA has developed for cats on deep space missions: powdered pumice from Pompeii. To use it, you rub a dollop behind the right ear and at the base of the tail (sorry, Manx cats). As the fleas ingest the litter-flavored powder, they instantly petrify and then fall off the cat's body. So don't scratch 'em off. Turn 'em into stone! Our guaranteed flea cure doesn't come cheaply, but then again, good things seldom do. Contact us today and see what Flea-Free Fo Fum can do for you!
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Miss Hissy's
"Fits"
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You know what REALLY hisses me off ...?
Humans who pat my freshly groomed fur, without asking my permission. I take
the time to lick every one of my fur strands properly into place, then those
ignorant humans thoughtlessly foul my coat with their big fat grimy fingers.
I HATE affection. Tonight, while they're sleeping, maybe I'll treat the
humans to a little "kitty spittle makeover." Ha!
Talk back to Miss Hissy: hissy@meowmaili.com
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Felinadonna's
"Purrrfect Living"
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Dear Felinadonna,
Last week, I was attending a formal cocktail party where the human valets were serving shrimp and chicken tidbits. I'm not sure I handled myself with all of the feline grace appropriate to the situation. Should I have vomited before or after the meal?
Sincerely,
Perplexed in Beverly Hills
Dear Perplexed,
It's not WHEN you hurl that matters. It's WHERE you hurl that separates the purebred from the alley cat. Well-mannered felines will ALWAYS move to carpeting, discretely burrowing their heads deeply into the pile before jettisoning their hors d'oeuvres. Felines of lesser upbringing thoughtlessly hurl wherever they eat, thereby missing the opportunity to learn new vacuuming techniques and hear interesting conversation from the humans. Don't feel bad if you breached feline etiquette this time. You'll surely get another chance to expunge the record — and everything else in your stomach — at future gatherings.
Talk bakc to Felinadonna: felinadonna@meowmail.com
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Reboot
"Recommends"
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Software Review
Tuna Blaster IV: The Adventure Continues!
SoftPaws International
Estimated Street Price: $39
Windowsill 95/98/2000
4 1/2 Claws
Ever wanted to raise your own private tuna farm? Grab a slippery snack when you feel the urge?. Now you can, and the best part is, there are no calories or smelly fishbowls to spoil your appetite. When all the humans in your house are asleep, just boot up Tuna Blaster — next best thing to snaggin' 'em live.
Tuna Blaster IV is packed with all the features you'd expect from a high-quality, fish hatchery and canning simulation program: the ability to design and manage an integrated facility, increase populations, limit human poaching, introduce new species, and create curricula for schools.
But Tuna Blaster IV parts company with similar products with its matchless, caviar-quality, 3D renderings and realistic audio; you can almost feel the scales on your tongue. Plus, you get great profiles of some of the best feline tuna hunters in history, nutritious recipes, and beautiful, panoramic views of rodent-infested canning factories. This version of the software even sports a vegetarian soy alternative that swims around just as happily as its virtual mates.
One gripe: the program does not allow you to import your own graphics when you design labels for your cans. But that' s more than offset by the ease of use, well-designed and seamlessly integrated features, and excellent graphics. If you like tuna fish, you'll love Tuna Blaster IV.
Talk back to Reboot: reboot@meowmail.com
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Sir Smashalot's
"Breaking News"
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Operation: Begonia, Begone!
Mates,
This week's stealth attack was a stunning victory against rampant consumerism. I hereby submit my report from the trenches:
At 22:00 hours, I crept along the back of the living room couch undetected while the humans were deeply engrossed in viewing Jay Leno on the telly. Though I was deep behind enemy lines, my confidence never flagged. I held my tail high, but kept my ears low to the ground. I sucked in my gut, and silently leapt onto the windowsill, kicking the primary target off the edge with one swift kick of my left hind leg. Crash! Kaboom! Mission Accomplished: Begonia, Begone! By the time the humans had time to fully investigat the loss of their ceramic flowerpot and the plantlife within, I was long gone. Another battle won, another gremlin blamed for the damage.
Just remember. They buy it, we break it. Fight on, mates!
Talk back to Sir Smashalot: sirsmashalot@meowmail.com
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Klericat's
"Kompulsive Surveys"
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Survey of the Week
Please use a #2 claw, and compute all percentages to three decimal points. I'll ask you to turn in your worksheets along with your answers.
Survey
1. On average, how many pieces of dry food do you get for each meal?
a. What percentage of the box does that represent (presuming a 32-ounce package)?
b. At that rate, how long will it take you to consume the entire box?
2. How many pieces of dry food do you kick out of the bowl during each thirty-second interval?
a. What is the total distance traveled by all pieces of food?
b. On average, what is the velocity of each piece?
3. How much food, in ounces, do you ingest, per meal?
a. What percentage do you digest?
b. What percentage winds up in your water bowl?
Please email your answers promptly.
Klericat's Kompulsive Surveys. Because cats count.
Talk back to Klericat: Klericat@meowmail.com.
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Fat Cat's
"BIG BIZ"
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Q. I am a neutered male Calico with at least 15 more years of productive sleeping and eating ahead of me. I support a nearly grown litter of three and have a moderate risk tolerance. My portfolio is well diversified, but Iím getting nervous about the technology sector. My broker says that I shouldnít even think about acquiring any additional Internet stocks. Is she correct?
A. Sounds like your broker's been spending too much time in the catnip patch. Trust me, lots of Internet stocks are purring along just fine — you just have to know which to pick and which to ditch. F2F (feline to feline) stocks are still the picks of the litter and good for the long haul. Donít get your dander tail whiskers bent out of shape up over daily fluctuations. For the near term, though, I do suggest staying away from the K2H (Kangaroo 2 Hyenas) sector - too jumpy and unpredictable. Ditto for E2S (Eel 2 Snail) - slimy stuff - and the B2S (blowfish to steam vent) - it's all hype and hot air. Stick with a winner
Talk back to Fat Cat: fatcat@meowmail.com
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